I have been enjoying the rain in the SF Bay Area. It is conducive for me, my creative work, and my current inward feeling of soul. Today I feel contemplative, like resting, writing, reading, or watching a movie. I would like to go on a hike off of highway 13 on a trail at Joaquin Miller State Park in the Oakland hills. It's one of my favorite hiking trails in the East Bay. I hike on a loop trail that takes me about 45 minutes to an hour to hike. There is a spot amidst the Redwood trees and rocks where I like to sit and simply be at the beginning of the hike. It is off of the trail and it's a comforting spot. One of my special natural areas that I go to regularly. A space/place like that is comforting and grounding for me. I enjoy being in areas that are familiar for me and also exploring and discovering new trails and natural areas. I like the consistency, safety, and comforting feeling--like a familiar kind of tea to enjoy when that is what I need. Yet, variety is the spice of life. I definitely enjoy new adventures and spontaneity. The dichotomy between comfort, what is known and consistent with newness, variety, the unknown, and adventures is what I intend to balance.
Balance in all aspects of my life is in continual motion. There is no possible way for me to grasp a tangible hold of it. It is moving, flowing, and this movement is life. My creative work, my thesis is moving along at an organic and sustainable pace. I am learning a lot about my creative process as an artist/filmmaker. It is a helpful reminder for me to trust in my creative process. How I work, live, and am in the world, is guided by my intuition and my inner knowing. Recently, clarity arose around my time-line for my thesis. It has its own time-line and I'm attending to the project and guiding it along. Currently, I'm working on the performance of the poem. I am utilizing the tools and skills that I learned in the Directing class that I took with Scott Boswell two years ago in the MFA program. Judith Weston's book has been helpful and useful to remind myself of active verbs when going over each line of the poem for Change Over Time. I'm working on figuring out how to perform this poem. Change Over Time is a process piece. The film is based on time--a year of my life. I intended to plough through my project so that I could finish it as soon as possible. Yet, my film is like a creative pregnancy and I feel pregnant with my creative work. This view and perspective of my creative work is in alignment with the organic and natural pace of the Earth, the seasons, and thus natural timing. From what I've experienced many creative time-lines and dead-lines are based on productivity and capitalistic modes of production. There is such an emphasis on product rather than process. Every creative person has their own style of working and structure. Through the thesis process, I've been discovering and clarifying mine.
I am interested in the creative process. There is so much to learn through this journey, during each phase and stage of the filmmaking process. Films for me, regardless of the length have their own time-line. Once a script is well developed and funding is in place, a narrative film can be sped through at a fast pace. A documentary, a personal film, animation, or experimental work may take longer. In reference to my thesis, I feel it does take longer. This is one reason that I feel it is helpful and useful for me to have short-term creative projects that I do regularly and a long-term project, such as Change Over Time that I continue to work on consistently. Short term projects for one being this blog, writing in my journal, drawing, cooking projects, gardening, etc. Any project that is creative, where I flex my creative muscles, and have a consistent practice is important. I feel that any short-term creative project or pursuit is beneficial and nurturing to long-term creative projects. For example, cooking a delicious and nourishing meal is creative, full of discovery, and is satisfying to me on many levels. For one, I have a connection and intimacy with my food and I'm nourishing my physical body. I enjoy the creative process of chopping up vegetables, experiencing the different colors, smells, tastes--all of those sense perceptions are wonderful and soothing to me.
I've been living with the question(s) before I began the MFA Cinema graduate program at S.F. State and continue to live with my questions. I'm at the cusp end of graduate school and on the bridge as an emerging professional. The questions of what areas of filmmaking to focus upon? Yes to, creative development, writing, directing, and producing. Yet, what technical skills to focus upon so that I can promote filmmaking skills that are marketable? A week ago, clarity arose for me during my appointment with my friend/facilitator Riza Baker. I have some clarity of areas to focus upon in regards to services that I can provide to filmmakers/creative professionals. What brought me to film/media overall, is that I am a storyteller and I love stories. That is the nucleus and core of my passion for filmmaking. My tools and skills of having a discerning eye and awareness of the overall vision, the big gestalt of a project are gifts that I have and can contribute to the overall story. Thus, I intend to focus and hone my tools and skills to gain experience as a story consultant. Also, I aim to be a creative coach for film/media makers and other creative professionals.
What excites me about the idea of being a story consultant and creative coach, is that I can contribute and express my creative and spiritual selves in both of those capacities.
Spiritual and personal growth skills such as compassionate communication, co-counseling, mirroring, meditation, intuitive guidance, etc. I feel excited and happy that I have this clarity. I do enjoy the collaborative process of filmmaking. I intend to also work and do other areas of film/media work such as editing, being an assistant director on projects, etc. for work. I also like the idea of working at a resonant film/media production company in the SF Bay Area. Working on documentaries and resonant narrative projects. These are my ideas that I'm mulling over and continuing to question/ponder on my journey.
These are my thoughts as I continue to carve my unique creative path, living in the SF Bay Area. I'm doing my best to be present, to take one step at a time, to trust in myself and the path that I am on. The only certainty I have is in the present moment. The only real known is what I have experienced, in the past. I'm continually stepping out into the unknown, exploring, being, experiencing as a creative being. Discovering and truly living. Feeling alive and proactive in my life. Balancing stepping forth into the unknown, with the comfort of the loop trail at Joaquin Miller State Park. Especially, the Redwood grove off of the trail. That familiar comfort, safety, and groundedness of that area is nourishing to me. That area is one of my sanctuaries in the Bay Area of familiarity and what is known. Like a familiar cup of tea, sometimes it is what I need during these times of accelerated and rapid change.
Thanks for reading,
Ewan
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Life is for the living
I recently went on a short walk to look at the waning moon and to see Jupiter just above the moon. Jupiter is clearly visible tonight. My mom sent me an email today with an image of the moon and Jupiter. It's a bright planet in the night sky. I don't remember the last time that I gazed at Jupiter or if I've ever intentionally went on a walk to look at it. I am feeling the inward pull during the beginning of the darkest half of the year. This is a time of regeneration, renewal, and to recharge. A time to turn inward, the summertime of the soul, which is a line for this week in the Calendar of the Soul by Rudolph Steiner. Here is the whole verse for October 27th-November 2nd
Thinking's fruits spring ripened in the sun
That shines within the soul;
Into the certainty of self-awareness
All feeling now is changed.
And I can sense with joy the wakening
Of Autumn's spirit;
Winter will arouse in me
The summer of the soul.
-Rudolph Steiner
The verse was translated from German. Some of the translations in some of the verses sound awkward at times to me. Nonetheless, I like to recite the verses out loud with intentionality and presence.
I really like the last line, Winter will arouse in me, the summer of the soul. The Autumn/Winter time-the darkest half of the year is a time of soul richness for me. I intend to carve out time to be, contemplate, and to honor this natural inwardness. Yet, it is a balance for me living in the hustle, bustle of the SF Bay Area. There is always a lot to do! Yet, simply being intentional several evenings a week to carve out this time is possible. I intend to do my best to balance my work, rest, and play--to experience the soul richness of the season.
I've been thinking a lot about my ancestors. No surprise since the veil between the worlds is very thin right now. During Samhain and El Dia De Los Muertos, the Day Of The Dead it is a wonderful and auspicious time to re-connect in thought, feeling, memory, reading out loud to the dead, meditating, ritual--solo or in community (the Spiral Dance), through art, making altars, etc. This is the time of year to honor and to remember our beloved dead and ancestors.
I am a quarter German, a quarter Chicano (that is always a surprise to people), and half Eastern European Ashkenazi/Sephardic Jewish. My mother's side of the family is from Russian/Romania. Her parents were first generation Jewish-Americans and both were born in NYC. My grandma Shirley and Grandpa Bernie. From NYC, they moved to Miami Beach, Florida. My mother was born in Miami Beach. Aunt Heidi and Uncle Joel were born in Miami, Florida.
My Dad Mark is half German and half Chicano. His father, Ruben, my grandpa is Chicano. Nani, my Dad's mom is German-American. My great-grandpa Duarte, my Dad's grandpa fled Mexico during the Mexican Revolution and traveled to California. He settled in Fresno, CA. Thus, I'm the 4th generation from Fresno in the San Joaquin Valley.
I've been thinking and feeling a lot about my Grandparents, Bernie and Shirley. They both passed away when I was a child. My Grandpa Bernie passed away from Melanoma when I was 6 or 7 years old. My Grandpa Shirley passed away when I was 10. I remember my Mother grieving immensely during those years.
I remember going to the Sierras with my Mom, Dad, Uncle Joel, and I'm not sure if Aunt Heidi was there or not. We went to the Sierra mountains, East of Fresno to the foothills. We went on a hike and scattered Grandpa Bernie's and Grandma Shirley's ashes around a tree. I remember seeing a pensive photo of my Dad and I that my mom or another person took. It was a great picture and in a frame. My Dad with his hand on my shoulder. I had red hair down to my shoulders and a pink Lands End jacket on.
I remember when my Grandma Shirley died, Isa--my sister and I were allowed to accompany my parents this time to Miami Beach, Florida. When Grandpa Bernie died, Isa and stayed behind in Fresno. My grandparents were political activists and often were philanthropists to causes that they believed in. I remember being in my Grandma's house in Miami Beach. The doorbell rang and I answered the door. A sanguine and upbeat woman stood there smiling and asked if Shirley Hutner was there. I said, no, she was dead. The woman's face turned into a look of horror. She became emotional. My mother stepped in to explain that Shirley had recently passed away. I remember the house in Miami Beach. There was a mini-tropical storm that blew off a part of the roof. Uncle Joel went to get fresh carrot juice someplace close by and I accompanied him. Fragments of memories like scrap pieces of paper. I want to remember. I want to remember it all exactly as it happened from my perception, my awareness, from my life. It was at Shirley's remembrance ceremony, I spoke in front of everyone and said what I would miss most about my Grandma. I know that this is definitely on a VHS tape. I recently went to Clovis to visit my parents and I helped my Dad sort through boxes in the garage. We found a box of VHS tapes. I will definitely transfer this tape to DVD. I know that it will be illuminating for me to see.
During the Spiral Dance this past weekend, I thought about my Grandparents. During Samhain yesterday in my meditation, I communed with my grandparents. What I enjoy most about being human is being embodied. I enjoy cooking and eating delicious, nourishing, and yummy food. Food is love! I enjoy thoughtful, heart-felt conversation, all of my sense perceptions, colors, textures, landscapes, the Earth and all of the elements. I enjoy being alive and I am grateful for my life. Recently, I've been so aware and feeling so poignantly that it almost hurts how ephemeral life truly is. The loss and letting go of my childhood/adolescent maroon, Pearl Export Series drum-set! It was a dream come true! I played on it for years. I loved and still love that drum-set. Yet, in my life right now I do not have the space nor commitment to devote to this beautiful kit. Thus, I am letting it go. Releasing it, passing it on so that another drummer can enjoy it and appreciate it as much as I did. All of these little deaths or big deaths. All of the completions, endings, conclusions. It all just adds up in the chapters of my life.
The releasing, the letting go, the endings. The loss of friendships, romantic relationships--those that concluded on their own. Some were successful and lived their time-line and life-span. Others felt unfair or short lived in duration. We each have the day and the night. Letting go of dreams fulfilled, dreams lived. A cabin at Huntington Lake, a drum-set, the lives of my ancestors, my Grandparents, my childhood, teenage years, early twenties, and entire twenties, the completion of chapters of my life. Letting go of Rachel and integrating her, letting go of Pre-T Ewan and integrating him, becoming who I am now. Wearing different clothes and shedding them like snake skins throughout the years. Always learning and growing older in temporal time. Simply being. All that I truly have is the present moment. Is this moment. As I go through books and make piles of what to keep and what to give away, it is difficult for me. This attachment, these attachments. Yet, all of us will ultimately need to let go of our bodies, of our lives. To surrender when it is our time to go. Thus, giving back to the Earth so much of what she has provided for us as living beings.
Life-Death-Re-birth. The circle, the cycle, the seasons, the day shifting into night, it continues. What a process. Life. I feel so blessed, so grateful for electricity, for heat, for clean water, for food, for a stable housing situation, to be on my path, for work, for the area that I live in. So many people on the East Coast do not have these necessities right now. My prayers and intentions and thoughts go out to them. Friends, family, humanity. May all beings have their basic needs met, receive the holistic support that they need, survive and thrive.
I do miss my grandparents. If I had a time-machine or if they could be embodied in their physical form I would love to have a delicious meal with them, a wonderful conversation, to take a walk in a beautiful natural area, or to go to an art/music/cultural event with them. I'm grateful for my bones. My bones remind me of my ancestors, my family tree, my connection to the Earth. To know one's roots is to know parts of oneself. I intend to begin to do research on the life of my Grandma Shirley. I feel called to make a movie about her. I feel that it will be an enriching process of discovery for me to interview her friends who are still alive and family members about her life and who she was.
Thank you for reading,
Ewan
Thinking's fruits spring ripened in the sun
That shines within the soul;
Into the certainty of self-awareness
All feeling now is changed.
And I can sense with joy the wakening
Of Autumn's spirit;
Winter will arouse in me
The summer of the soul.
-Rudolph Steiner
The verse was translated from German. Some of the translations in some of the verses sound awkward at times to me. Nonetheless, I like to recite the verses out loud with intentionality and presence.
I really like the last line, Winter will arouse in me, the summer of the soul. The Autumn/Winter time-the darkest half of the year is a time of soul richness for me. I intend to carve out time to be, contemplate, and to honor this natural inwardness. Yet, it is a balance for me living in the hustle, bustle of the SF Bay Area. There is always a lot to do! Yet, simply being intentional several evenings a week to carve out this time is possible. I intend to do my best to balance my work, rest, and play--to experience the soul richness of the season.
I've been thinking a lot about my ancestors. No surprise since the veil between the worlds is very thin right now. During Samhain and El Dia De Los Muertos, the Day Of The Dead it is a wonderful and auspicious time to re-connect in thought, feeling, memory, reading out loud to the dead, meditating, ritual--solo or in community (the Spiral Dance), through art, making altars, etc. This is the time of year to honor and to remember our beloved dead and ancestors.
I am a quarter German, a quarter Chicano (that is always a surprise to people), and half Eastern European Ashkenazi/Sephardic Jewish. My mother's side of the family is from Russian/Romania. Her parents were first generation Jewish-Americans and both were born in NYC. My grandma Shirley and Grandpa Bernie. From NYC, they moved to Miami Beach, Florida. My mother was born in Miami Beach. Aunt Heidi and Uncle Joel were born in Miami, Florida.
My Dad Mark is half German and half Chicano. His father, Ruben, my grandpa is Chicano. Nani, my Dad's mom is German-American. My great-grandpa Duarte, my Dad's grandpa fled Mexico during the Mexican Revolution and traveled to California. He settled in Fresno, CA. Thus, I'm the 4th generation from Fresno in the San Joaquin Valley.
I've been thinking and feeling a lot about my Grandparents, Bernie and Shirley. They both passed away when I was a child. My Grandpa Bernie passed away from Melanoma when I was 6 or 7 years old. My Grandpa Shirley passed away when I was 10. I remember my Mother grieving immensely during those years.
I remember going to the Sierras with my Mom, Dad, Uncle Joel, and I'm not sure if Aunt Heidi was there or not. We went to the Sierra mountains, East of Fresno to the foothills. We went on a hike and scattered Grandpa Bernie's and Grandma Shirley's ashes around a tree. I remember seeing a pensive photo of my Dad and I that my mom or another person took. It was a great picture and in a frame. My Dad with his hand on my shoulder. I had red hair down to my shoulders and a pink Lands End jacket on.
I remember when my Grandma Shirley died, Isa--my sister and I were allowed to accompany my parents this time to Miami Beach, Florida. When Grandpa Bernie died, Isa and stayed behind in Fresno. My grandparents were political activists and often were philanthropists to causes that they believed in. I remember being in my Grandma's house in Miami Beach. The doorbell rang and I answered the door. A sanguine and upbeat woman stood there smiling and asked if Shirley Hutner was there. I said, no, she was dead. The woman's face turned into a look of horror. She became emotional. My mother stepped in to explain that Shirley had recently passed away. I remember the house in Miami Beach. There was a mini-tropical storm that blew off a part of the roof. Uncle Joel went to get fresh carrot juice someplace close by and I accompanied him. Fragments of memories like scrap pieces of paper. I want to remember. I want to remember it all exactly as it happened from my perception, my awareness, from my life. It was at Shirley's remembrance ceremony, I spoke in front of everyone and said what I would miss most about my Grandma. I know that this is definitely on a VHS tape. I recently went to Clovis to visit my parents and I helped my Dad sort through boxes in the garage. We found a box of VHS tapes. I will definitely transfer this tape to DVD. I know that it will be illuminating for me to see.
During the Spiral Dance this past weekend, I thought about my Grandparents. During Samhain yesterday in my meditation, I communed with my grandparents. What I enjoy most about being human is being embodied. I enjoy cooking and eating delicious, nourishing, and yummy food. Food is love! I enjoy thoughtful, heart-felt conversation, all of my sense perceptions, colors, textures, landscapes, the Earth and all of the elements. I enjoy being alive and I am grateful for my life. Recently, I've been so aware and feeling so poignantly that it almost hurts how ephemeral life truly is. The loss and letting go of my childhood/adolescent maroon, Pearl Export Series drum-set! It was a dream come true! I played on it for years. I loved and still love that drum-set. Yet, in my life right now I do not have the space nor commitment to devote to this beautiful kit. Thus, I am letting it go. Releasing it, passing it on so that another drummer can enjoy it and appreciate it as much as I did. All of these little deaths or big deaths. All of the completions, endings, conclusions. It all just adds up in the chapters of my life.
The releasing, the letting go, the endings. The loss of friendships, romantic relationships--those that concluded on their own. Some were successful and lived their time-line and life-span. Others felt unfair or short lived in duration. We each have the day and the night. Letting go of dreams fulfilled, dreams lived. A cabin at Huntington Lake, a drum-set, the lives of my ancestors, my Grandparents, my childhood, teenage years, early twenties, and entire twenties, the completion of chapters of my life. Letting go of Rachel and integrating her, letting go of Pre-T Ewan and integrating him, becoming who I am now. Wearing different clothes and shedding them like snake skins throughout the years. Always learning and growing older in temporal time. Simply being. All that I truly have is the present moment. Is this moment. As I go through books and make piles of what to keep and what to give away, it is difficult for me. This attachment, these attachments. Yet, all of us will ultimately need to let go of our bodies, of our lives. To surrender when it is our time to go. Thus, giving back to the Earth so much of what she has provided for us as living beings.
Life-Death-Re-birth. The circle, the cycle, the seasons, the day shifting into night, it continues. What a process. Life. I feel so blessed, so grateful for electricity, for heat, for clean water, for food, for a stable housing situation, to be on my path, for work, for the area that I live in. So many people on the East Coast do not have these necessities right now. My prayers and intentions and thoughts go out to them. Friends, family, humanity. May all beings have their basic needs met, receive the holistic support that they need, survive and thrive.
I do miss my grandparents. If I had a time-machine or if they could be embodied in their physical form I would love to have a delicious meal with them, a wonderful conversation, to take a walk in a beautiful natural area, or to go to an art/music/cultural event with them. I'm grateful for my bones. My bones remind me of my ancestors, my family tree, my connection to the Earth. To know one's roots is to know parts of oneself. I intend to begin to do research on the life of my Grandma Shirley. I feel called to make a movie about her. I feel that it will be an enriching process of discovery for me to interview her friends who are still alive and family members about her life and who she was.
Thank you for reading,
Ewan
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Natural Life-Cycles and Rhythms of the Seasons
It's been a beautiful and warm Autumn day in the East Bay. Today, I've been working from home. I enjoyed eating in the backyard, feeling the warmth of the sun, and being near my tomato plants. The tomato plants are near the end of their life-cycle. I was feeling a bit sad as I watered them today. I purchased the compost/soil, procured all three plants as seedlings, have witnessed their growth, harvested several times hand-fulls of beautiful fruit, and now as I continue to prune the deadening leaves on the stocks, I'm aware of the life-cycles of my tomato plants.
It is a beautiful reminder from the organic, natural world of the natural rhythms and pace of life. What in your life is close to the end of its natural cycle? What still has unripened fruit that will come to maturity, yet what needs letting go of? What are your intentions? What would you like to grow in your life? There was a potent new moon in Libra on Monday. The new moon is a superb time to write and ground one's clear, direct intentions for what one wants to cultivate and grow in one's life.
I have learned quite a bit from these tomato plants. As I reflect, I can connect periods of my life to their season of ripeness, juiciness, and bountiful fruitful harvest when the plants were at their peak of growth and fruition. I am currently sifting through the layers and laying to compost what I have experienced in my life's most recent chapter. I am being present in the process and letting go of what I no longer need. Writing it out, laying it to rest. Writing on papers, then burning them in the fire pit. Pouring water above the ashes. Thus, recycling the energy of what I have experienced, gleaning the experience, wisdom, and filling up my soul container, and releasing what I no longer need. It's a process of digestion. How often do people in busy, urban areas carve out the time to allow for digestion of life's most recent experiences and lessons?
I've been feeling rather inward and contemplative. Having a cold for a couple of weeks allowed me to rest. On the topic of natural life cycles this definitely pertains to my thesis film, Change Over Time. I thought and felt that I could plough through this film this year. I spent last year beginning to work on it. That is not including keeping meticulous track of my inner life and experiences in my journals and audio recordings. The film for me began to take off during the Fall of 2011 when I took my first animation class with Martha Goryzki. I feel that this project is moving at an organic pace. Like the time it takes plants or trees to grow. I don't feel that I can rush it.
I feel and know that I move and live at an organic pace that aligns with the rhythms and pace of the natural world. I feel the conflict of living in a capitalist, industrial structured and based society that moves at an alacritous pace and doesn't honor nor live in balance with the natural rhythms and cycles of life. It is challenging for me as a creative being and artist to live in a culture and society that for the most part, I do not resonate with. Ideally, I would love to have time to focus on my creativity, art, writing, and film and to live a sustainable life. Finding a balance between providing for myself through working and having time and energies to devote to my creative work. I want to honor the natural pace and life cycles of my art work and film projects. Thus, my thesis film may be finished by Spring 2013 or the Fall of 2013. I am avidly working on it and committed to doing the best that I can, while learning so many lessons along the way. Indeed! I look forward to continuing to share my musings and journey with those that read and enjoy my blog. Be well!
Ewan
p.s. The post-cards at the bottom of the page are for the Trans Post Project that will be in the William Way LGBT Community Center Gallery in Philadelphia in the next month or so.
It is a beautiful reminder from the organic, natural world of the natural rhythms and pace of life. What in your life is close to the end of its natural cycle? What still has unripened fruit that will come to maturity, yet what needs letting go of? What are your intentions? What would you like to grow in your life? There was a potent new moon in Libra on Monday. The new moon is a superb time to write and ground one's clear, direct intentions for what one wants to cultivate and grow in one's life.
I have learned quite a bit from these tomato plants. As I reflect, I can connect periods of my life to their season of ripeness, juiciness, and bountiful fruitful harvest when the plants were at their peak of growth and fruition. I am currently sifting through the layers and laying to compost what I have experienced in my life's most recent chapter. I am being present in the process and letting go of what I no longer need. Writing it out, laying it to rest. Writing on papers, then burning them in the fire pit. Pouring water above the ashes. Thus, recycling the energy of what I have experienced, gleaning the experience, wisdom, and filling up my soul container, and releasing what I no longer need. It's a process of digestion. How often do people in busy, urban areas carve out the time to allow for digestion of life's most recent experiences and lessons?
I've been feeling rather inward and contemplative. Having a cold for a couple of weeks allowed me to rest. On the topic of natural life cycles this definitely pertains to my thesis film, Change Over Time. I thought and felt that I could plough through this film this year. I spent last year beginning to work on it. That is not including keeping meticulous track of my inner life and experiences in my journals and audio recordings. The film for me began to take off during the Fall of 2011 when I took my first animation class with Martha Goryzki. I feel that this project is moving at an organic pace. Like the time it takes plants or trees to grow. I don't feel that I can rush it.
I feel and know that I move and live at an organic pace that aligns with the rhythms and pace of the natural world. I feel the conflict of living in a capitalist, industrial structured and based society that moves at an alacritous pace and doesn't honor nor live in balance with the natural rhythms and cycles of life. It is challenging for me as a creative being and artist to live in a culture and society that for the most part, I do not resonate with. Ideally, I would love to have time to focus on my creativity, art, writing, and film and to live a sustainable life. Finding a balance between providing for myself through working and having time and energies to devote to my creative work. I want to honor the natural pace and life cycles of my art work and film projects. Thus, my thesis film may be finished by Spring 2013 or the Fall of 2013. I am avidly working on it and committed to doing the best that I can, while learning so many lessons along the way. Indeed! I look forward to continuing to share my musings and journey with those that read and enjoy my blog. Be well!
Ewan
p.s. The post-cards at the bottom of the page are for the Trans Post Project that will be in the William Way LGBT Community Center Gallery in Philadelphia in the next month or so.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
October
It's October, a new month and I'm getting over a cold. Two of my housemates were previously ill before me. A lot of friends and folks in my communities have had autumnal colds as well. As I sit down to write, it's like sifting through leaves on the sidewalk. Feeling the heat of the Bay Area heat-wave and then feeling the coolness of the breeze and the fog that has rolled in--greying the sky above the East Bay.
When I wake up in the morning, I want to focus on the day. To be present. To be aware of all of the movement that flows in my life. The movement that seems mundane, yet without rhythm, the practicalities, and the so-called mundane that is so human what would get done? Intentionally making my bed, drawing back the curtains to greet the morning light, sometimes seeing a squirrel on top of the fence post outside of my window, brushing my teeth, preparing hot water for tea, enjoying breakfast in the garden. Being present of the slight and gradual shifts of the early Autumn season in my back-yard. I often hear apples fall from the green apple tree in the back-yard while I eat my breakfast. Amelia harvested a bunch of apples and she left the ladder out near the tree. I, too climbed up the ladder and picked a small bag full of green apples. I intend to prepare apple sauce with them, which will be a first for me.
I harvested three beautiful tomatoes from my tomato plants today. This was my third or fourth tomato harvest. There are still more green and orange tomatoes! It's amazing to me how much fruit these three plants have produced. I notice the subtle changes in the plants. The different coloration of leaves on the trees in the backyard. As I am in touch with the seasons, the shifts of the calendar of the year this connects with the shifts and changes in my inner life, in my soul. In my intentional release and letting go, I feel cleansed and inwardly purified in a sense. This letting go--creating a list of what is no longer serving me and intentionally, letting it go is like the leaves falling from the giant oak trees or other lovely deciduous trees. During the Autumnal Equinox, I wrote a list several pages in length of everything that I'm grateful for. I also wrote a list of my new intentions.
Laying low and resting while getting over this cold I have had an opportunity to rest and process more than I've had in a long while. It almost feels foreign to me, yet much needed. My life is active, busy, and full. I intentionally carve out the time to go on walks around my neighborhood, carve out time to be present in the morning at least a few times a week depending on my schedule, intentionally carve out the time for a few long meditations every week, rather than short ones. I have had an opportunity to simply be and rest which is and was necessary. Living in the Bay Area, I want to balance work, play, and rest. No easy feat for an active and busy person. These pauses and intentionally carved out moments for a cup of hot tea, a walk, meditation, writing, contemplation--all of it recharges me and makes me feel balanced and human.
On the fun note: If any Bay Area friends want to take a short break from their studies or meet after or before work to toss a frisbee back and forth at Ohlone Park or another park in Berkeley, let me know! I've lived in the Bay Area for three years and I haven't played frisbee since I first moved here. This is one activity that I would like to carve out some occasional time for. The frisbee that I have glows in the dark (for a short duration) and has an alien on it.
Be well!
Ewan
When I wake up in the morning, I want to focus on the day. To be present. To be aware of all of the movement that flows in my life. The movement that seems mundane, yet without rhythm, the practicalities, and the so-called mundane that is so human what would get done? Intentionally making my bed, drawing back the curtains to greet the morning light, sometimes seeing a squirrel on top of the fence post outside of my window, brushing my teeth, preparing hot water for tea, enjoying breakfast in the garden. Being present of the slight and gradual shifts of the early Autumn season in my back-yard. I often hear apples fall from the green apple tree in the back-yard while I eat my breakfast. Amelia harvested a bunch of apples and she left the ladder out near the tree. I, too climbed up the ladder and picked a small bag full of green apples. I intend to prepare apple sauce with them, which will be a first for me.
I harvested three beautiful tomatoes from my tomato plants today. This was my third or fourth tomato harvest. There are still more green and orange tomatoes! It's amazing to me how much fruit these three plants have produced. I notice the subtle changes in the plants. The different coloration of leaves on the trees in the backyard. As I am in touch with the seasons, the shifts of the calendar of the year this connects with the shifts and changes in my inner life, in my soul. In my intentional release and letting go, I feel cleansed and inwardly purified in a sense. This letting go--creating a list of what is no longer serving me and intentionally, letting it go is like the leaves falling from the giant oak trees or other lovely deciduous trees. During the Autumnal Equinox, I wrote a list several pages in length of everything that I'm grateful for. I also wrote a list of my new intentions.
Laying low and resting while getting over this cold I have had an opportunity to rest and process more than I've had in a long while. It almost feels foreign to me, yet much needed. My life is active, busy, and full. I intentionally carve out the time to go on walks around my neighborhood, carve out time to be present in the morning at least a few times a week depending on my schedule, intentionally carve out the time for a few long meditations every week, rather than short ones. I have had an opportunity to simply be and rest which is and was necessary. Living in the Bay Area, I want to balance work, play, and rest. No easy feat for an active and busy person. These pauses and intentionally carved out moments for a cup of hot tea, a walk, meditation, writing, contemplation--all of it recharges me and makes me feel balanced and human.
On the fun note: If any Bay Area friends want to take a short break from their studies or meet after or before work to toss a frisbee back and forth at Ohlone Park or another park in Berkeley, let me know! I've lived in the Bay Area for three years and I haven't played frisbee since I first moved here. This is one activity that I would like to carve out some occasional time for. The frisbee that I have glows in the dark (for a short duration) and has an alien on it.
Be well!
Ewan
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Autumnal shift and the Jewish New Year
Today I've been feeling in a very creative mood. I harvested a handful of tomatoes from my plants last week and I harvested another handful today. I wanted to make something special with the tomatoes that I grew in my garden; the plants that I showered with my love and attention. My housemates and I receive weekly produce from a CSA. Our produce box comes from Full Belly Farm, a local organic farm in the Capay Valley in Northern California.
I felt inspired to prepare a meal today with the tomatoes. What arose in my mind was to prepare an eggplant and tomato dish. This week, we received two medium sized eggplants in our produce box. I cut up one eggplant. I put olive oil on a large pan and sprinkled thyme and rosemary that I'm growing in the garden on each piece of eggplant. Then I cut up some Irish Dubliner Cheese and placed thin slices on each piece of eggplant. I cut up a handful of the lovely tomatoes that my plants grew. I placed the tomatoes on top of the cheese. I added some garlic salt and pepper on top. I cut up two small bell peppers from the CSA box as well. Then I placed the dish in the oven for 30-45 minutes. The before and after pictures are below.
The dish is a meal of love. For me, food is love. That is what my mother and Jewish cultural background taught me. It's amazing to me the connection that I had with the meal that I just enjoyed. I ate every bite slowly and it was so flavorful and delicious! The thyme, rosemary, and tomatoes are from my garden. The bell peppers and eggplant from Full Belly Farm. The Dubliner cheese from Ireland. Well, I had a connection to a majority of the meal except for the Dubliner cheese. When I travel to Ireland one day and if I visit the farm with the dairy cows and creamery, then I will have more of a connection to the cheese that I just ate. Dubliner cheese is one of my favorites, I love the sharp Chedder. I have plenty more of this delicious meal to enjoy for left-overs.
I'm grateful to have a connection to my food. I enjoy the process of gardening and growing some of my own herbs and plants. This is one aspect where I feel and honor my connection to the Earth and Elements (Earth, Air, Fire, and Water). There is intimacy in growing one's own food. It's also a process of discovery and attunement with the rhythms and cycles of nature. As well as the process from seed, to sprout, to plant, to harvest, and to death of the life-cycle of a plant and also of human life. Although, I live in an urban area, I feel very much in tune with the cycles of nature and the shifts of the wheel of the year.
The Autumnal Equinox will occur this upcoming weekend on Saturday, September 22nd. Since the beginning of September I've been feeling the slow shift, like minute hands on the face of a clock to Autumn. The Autumnal Equinox is when it is the official shift, yet everything in the natural world happens in slow gradations. The nights grow longer gradually. These transitions and shifts can teach people in contemporary society and urban areas about their lives if people choose to pay attention and glean the wisdom of the natural world. Change that is sustainable with a solid foundation occurs in gradations over time. Thus, change over time is a process. To speed up this process would lead to fragmentation rather than integration. I'm continually amazed at the wisdom of the natural world; the plant, animal kingdoms, and elements. I am always learning with an open heart.
Sunday night was Erev Rosh Hashanah. The Beginning of the Jewish New Year. Recently, I've been feeling rather inward and contemplative. This is aligned with the Days of Awe, The High Holy Days and the shift to the Autumn season. As I walk around my Berkeley neighborhood, I look at the trees and notice the leaves change colors, fall to the ground, and the leaves that have already fallen, especially on California St. in my neighborhood. On California street, there are towering old Oak trees that are beautiful. I enjoy stepping onthe crunchy brown leaves on the sidewalk. When I was walking, I heard a child mention something about pumpkin pie to the parent the child was with. I look forward to preparing some pumpkin pie in October. It's one of my favorite pies.
My housemates and friends honored and celebrated the Jewish New Year by having an Erev Rosh Hashanah meal at our house. It was a delicious meal and I'm grateful for friends and community to share and celebrate the shift to a new Jewish year and the change of seasons with! We each shared an intention for the new year, as we passed around a platter of apples and honey. Each person dipped an organic apple slice into honey and then ate it. Ritualistically, grounding the intention through sharing it with community and then ingesting the intention so that it can manifest. May we all have a sweet new year and fall well into the Autumn season.
I felt inspired to prepare a meal today with the tomatoes. What arose in my mind was to prepare an eggplant and tomato dish. This week, we received two medium sized eggplants in our produce box. I cut up one eggplant. I put olive oil on a large pan and sprinkled thyme and rosemary that I'm growing in the garden on each piece of eggplant. Then I cut up some Irish Dubliner Cheese and placed thin slices on each piece of eggplant. I cut up a handful of the lovely tomatoes that my plants grew. I placed the tomatoes on top of the cheese. I added some garlic salt and pepper on top. I cut up two small bell peppers from the CSA box as well. Then I placed the dish in the oven for 30-45 minutes. The before and after pictures are below.
The dish is a meal of love. For me, food is love. That is what my mother and Jewish cultural background taught me. It's amazing to me the connection that I had with the meal that I just enjoyed. I ate every bite slowly and it was so flavorful and delicious! The thyme, rosemary, and tomatoes are from my garden. The bell peppers and eggplant from Full Belly Farm. The Dubliner cheese from Ireland. Well, I had a connection to a majority of the meal except for the Dubliner cheese. When I travel to Ireland one day and if I visit the farm with the dairy cows and creamery, then I will have more of a connection to the cheese that I just ate. Dubliner cheese is one of my favorites, I love the sharp Chedder. I have plenty more of this delicious meal to enjoy for left-overs.
I'm grateful to have a connection to my food. I enjoy the process of gardening and growing some of my own herbs and plants. This is one aspect where I feel and honor my connection to the Earth and Elements (Earth, Air, Fire, and Water). There is intimacy in growing one's own food. It's also a process of discovery and attunement with the rhythms and cycles of nature. As well as the process from seed, to sprout, to plant, to harvest, and to death of the life-cycle of a plant and also of human life. Although, I live in an urban area, I feel very much in tune with the cycles of nature and the shifts of the wheel of the year.
The Autumnal Equinox will occur this upcoming weekend on Saturday, September 22nd. Since the beginning of September I've been feeling the slow shift, like minute hands on the face of a clock to Autumn. The Autumnal Equinox is when it is the official shift, yet everything in the natural world happens in slow gradations. The nights grow longer gradually. These transitions and shifts can teach people in contemporary society and urban areas about their lives if people choose to pay attention and glean the wisdom of the natural world. Change that is sustainable with a solid foundation occurs in gradations over time. Thus, change over time is a process. To speed up this process would lead to fragmentation rather than integration. I'm continually amazed at the wisdom of the natural world; the plant, animal kingdoms, and elements. I am always learning with an open heart.
Sunday night was Erev Rosh Hashanah. The Beginning of the Jewish New Year. Recently, I've been feeling rather inward and contemplative. This is aligned with the Days of Awe, The High Holy Days and the shift to the Autumn season. As I walk around my Berkeley neighborhood, I look at the trees and notice the leaves change colors, fall to the ground, and the leaves that have already fallen, especially on California St. in my neighborhood. On California street, there are towering old Oak trees that are beautiful. I enjoy stepping onthe crunchy brown leaves on the sidewalk. When I was walking, I heard a child mention something about pumpkin pie to the parent the child was with. I look forward to preparing some pumpkin pie in October. It's one of my favorite pies.
My housemates and friends honored and celebrated the Jewish New Year by having an Erev Rosh Hashanah meal at our house. It was a delicious meal and I'm grateful for friends and community to share and celebrate the shift to a new Jewish year and the change of seasons with! We each shared an intention for the new year, as we passed around a platter of apples and honey. Each person dipped an organic apple slice into honey and then ate it. Ritualistically, grounding the intention through sharing it with community and then ingesting the intention so that it can manifest. May we all have a sweet new year and fall well into the Autumn season.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Until A New Day Dawns
My schedule has been in transition with the shift of the Fall semester as I am at the cusp end of graduate school for my MFA in Cinema at San Francisco State University. All of the pieces are coming together with my thesis. I'm moving forward into the production phase of CHANGE OVER TIME. This feels like the fun part of the process with my thesis. I feel the forward momentum and creative spirit guiding my project. My work schedule shifted as well. I'm working part time a day per week, interning on the TLC project a day a week, and I'm committed to focusing my time and energies on my creative work so that I can proceed with CHANGE OVER TIME and finish before the end of 2012.
I intend to have a rough cut to show my advisors; the wonderful professors Martha and Greta by November. I met with Greta this week and a very kind recent undergrad gave me a tutorial on DragonFrame--a program that I will be using to do stop-motion animation for my thesis. I did animation tests utilizing stop-motion this time last year in the Fall, when I took my first animation class with Martha at SFSU. The animation lab/studio on campus upgraded to DragonFrame and to the Canon T3I cameras in the studios.
Working with Martha as one of my thesis advisors and taking her animation class changed the direction of my thesis. My project began to evolve and move in a direction that I did not know was possible. CHANGE OVER TIME has evolved into a hybrid experimental, animated, poetic and impressionistic personal documentary about my soul and emotional experiences during my first year on testosterone. I aim for the film to poetically and impressionistically wash over viewers. So that people can perceive a slice of my experience during my hormonal transition. Many trans films that I have seen show the physical changes and focus on interpersonal relationships that are impacted and effected by transition. I intend to show my emotional and soul shifts and changes through the poetic lens of my experience.
I will soon learn how to use a Canon T3I to do time-lapses of the elements (Earth, Air, Fire, and Water), in the natural world. I intend to layer various images over the audio shifts of my voice change during the first year that I was on testosterone. The project has been in process for over two years now. The first year, I kept meticulous track of my holistic changes while physically and holistically transitioning on testosterone. I had a voice recorder and journal where I expressed and documented my inner and outer life experiences. I have some wonderful archived material.
During this past Winter and Spring of 2012, I recapitulated and went through ALL of my many volumes of journals--which were hundreds of pages. I read everything that I wrote. Then, I took 80-90 pages of notes gleaned from my journals. From those 80-90 pages of notes, I distilled my year long experiences into a page and a half poem! Quite a feat, indeed! It took me four drafts that I worked long and hard on to edit and choose what to convey compactly in a page and a half poem. Martha was amazed when her printer only printed two pages. She thought there would be at least a 10 page poem with the amount of material that I have. I will perform/recite the poem in CHANGE OVER TIME. I also listened and transcribed all of my audio recordings from the entire year! Two plus years of work for a 5-6 minute film! Yes, indeed. I feel that during this process I have learned so much about trusting my voice, continuing to believe in myself, my creativity, and art, as well as choosing to tell my story in a unique way that I have not seen other trans stories expressed. Continually, throughout the process I have taken and am still taking leaps of faith--exploring and traversing new territory that is unknown to me. Thus, growing as an artist in the process.
I feel that it would have been immensely helpful and refreshing for me to see CHANGE OVER TIME before I began testosterone. The film is for a queer/trans audience as well as a broader audience. I look forward to continuing to work on my thesis film and to sharing the production phase of the journey with you. I feel that this film is not only for the completion of my Master in Fine Arts in Cinema--it is a gift to all who will choose to be receptive to seeing and experiencing it with an open heart and open mind. It is my personal lens of my experience of my microcosmic and the macrocosmic theme of change. Change which is so prevalent in most people's lives right now. These are accelerated times. One of my gifts and contributions is to teach about change from my own unique experience, from a trans perspective, and overall from a human and spiritual perspective.
What arose in my mind as I'm writing right now is the image of the Wheel Of Life tarot card-- or the Wheel of Fortune card. The themes of change, luck, and the ups, downs, and all degrees in between in life that are experienced and lived as a human being. The creative process and the filmmaking process overall for me can be encapsulated in that image of the wheel. At moments, feeling on top of the world and moments where I feel in the dark and I'm exploring unknown terrain with a lamp of hope and faith that shines as I continue to walk step after step, not knowing what direction my art is taking me. Yet, trusting my voice and the process as my lamp shines bright and I continue until glimmers of sunlight emerge as a new day dawns.
I intend to have a rough cut to show my advisors; the wonderful professors Martha and Greta by November. I met with Greta this week and a very kind recent undergrad gave me a tutorial on DragonFrame--a program that I will be using to do stop-motion animation for my thesis. I did animation tests utilizing stop-motion this time last year in the Fall, when I took my first animation class with Martha at SFSU. The animation lab/studio on campus upgraded to DragonFrame and to the Canon T3I cameras in the studios.
Working with Martha as one of my thesis advisors and taking her animation class changed the direction of my thesis. My project began to evolve and move in a direction that I did not know was possible. CHANGE OVER TIME has evolved into a hybrid experimental, animated, poetic and impressionistic personal documentary about my soul and emotional experiences during my first year on testosterone. I aim for the film to poetically and impressionistically wash over viewers. So that people can perceive a slice of my experience during my hormonal transition. Many trans films that I have seen show the physical changes and focus on interpersonal relationships that are impacted and effected by transition. I intend to show my emotional and soul shifts and changes through the poetic lens of my experience.
I will soon learn how to use a Canon T3I to do time-lapses of the elements (Earth, Air, Fire, and Water), in the natural world. I intend to layer various images over the audio shifts of my voice change during the first year that I was on testosterone. The project has been in process for over two years now. The first year, I kept meticulous track of my holistic changes while physically and holistically transitioning on testosterone. I had a voice recorder and journal where I expressed and documented my inner and outer life experiences. I have some wonderful archived material.
During this past Winter and Spring of 2012, I recapitulated and went through ALL of my many volumes of journals--which were hundreds of pages. I read everything that I wrote. Then, I took 80-90 pages of notes gleaned from my journals. From those 80-90 pages of notes, I distilled my year long experiences into a page and a half poem! Quite a feat, indeed! It took me four drafts that I worked long and hard on to edit and choose what to convey compactly in a page and a half poem. Martha was amazed when her printer only printed two pages. She thought there would be at least a 10 page poem with the amount of material that I have. I will perform/recite the poem in CHANGE OVER TIME. I also listened and transcribed all of my audio recordings from the entire year! Two plus years of work for a 5-6 minute film! Yes, indeed. I feel that during this process I have learned so much about trusting my voice, continuing to believe in myself, my creativity, and art, as well as choosing to tell my story in a unique way that I have not seen other trans stories expressed. Continually, throughout the process I have taken and am still taking leaps of faith--exploring and traversing new territory that is unknown to me. Thus, growing as an artist in the process.
I feel that it would have been immensely helpful and refreshing for me to see CHANGE OVER TIME before I began testosterone. The film is for a queer/trans audience as well as a broader audience. I look forward to continuing to work on my thesis film and to sharing the production phase of the journey with you. I feel that this film is not only for the completion of my Master in Fine Arts in Cinema--it is a gift to all who will choose to be receptive to seeing and experiencing it with an open heart and open mind. It is my personal lens of my experience of my microcosmic and the macrocosmic theme of change. Change which is so prevalent in most people's lives right now. These are accelerated times. One of my gifts and contributions is to teach about change from my own unique experience, from a trans perspective, and overall from a human and spiritual perspective.
What arose in my mind as I'm writing right now is the image of the Wheel Of Life tarot card-- or the Wheel of Fortune card. The themes of change, luck, and the ups, downs, and all degrees in between in life that are experienced and lived as a human being. The creative process and the filmmaking process overall for me can be encapsulated in that image of the wheel. At moments, feeling on top of the world and moments where I feel in the dark and I'm exploring unknown terrain with a lamp of hope and faith that shines as I continue to walk step after step, not knowing what direction my art is taking me. Yet, trusting my voice and the process as my lamp shines bright and I continue until glimmers of sunlight emerge as a new day dawns.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Patient and strong like the mountains
Yesterday and today I enjoyed the Autumnal sunshine in my garden, while I watered and attended to my plants. I picked the first large Cordova tomato from one of my tomato plants. I've been enjoying the cherry tomato jewels from one of my other tomato plants. I've picked most of the ripened cherry tomatoes. The larger tomatoes are gradually ripening. There are a handful of large tomatoes that are various hues of red. I've been preparing my own sauces with an onion, garlic, and heirloom tomatoes simmered in a pan on the stove. The only spices I add are salt and pepper. I learned how to prepare this sauce from my housemate, Amelia.
I did take some cooking classes when I was 20 years old and living/studying abroad in Siena, Italy. At that time, I learned how to prepare sauces as well. The tomato plant is originally native to South America. There are around 7500 different varieties of tomatoes that are currently being grown world-wide! It's amazing how cultivation of the tomato spread from South America to Europe, North America, and to most of the world! I find joy in watering, nourishing, and being near the growing plants in my garden.
I recently went on a camping trip with friends at the end of August, near Guerneville in the Austin Creek State Recreation area. We found a wonderful campsite that was spacious enough for all 6 of us. I enjoyed walking to the top of the hill that preceded the campsite area and gazing at the rolling hills and mountains. The first night, I saw a shooting star from the expansive area at the top of the hill and gazed at many stars and constellations above me. I later joined up with my buddy Sam and Amelia near Bullfrog pond to look at some constellations. Amelia pointed out the constellation of Cassiopeia--which was clearly visible. I saw several more shooting stars that night and the cool forest air felt refreshing.
On our walk back to our campsite we saw a Spotted Owl fly from a branch above us. That was the first time in my life that I had ever seen an owl before in the natural world. What an amazing omen! The next night while I was brushing my teeth near the water spigot, I heard the rustling of leaves and shone my flashlight in front of me. A few yards away was a small Spotted Owl! The Owl rotated its head and looked at me and then rotated its eyes and head away. I gazed at the owl for several minutes until it flew away. I was the only one to see the Spotted Owl near the spigot.
That night I slept under the stars right beneath a tall manzanita tree. Near the tree I found a beautiful Red-Tail Hawk feather! During this camping trip, I felt that I received many blessings from the natural world and animals in that area. The Red-Tail Hawk has very special significance to me and is one of my animal totems. I revere and honor the Red-Tail Hawk. This was the first time in my life that I've seen or found a Red-Tail Hawk feather in the wild. The feather is now on my altar in my room with the other feathers that I've found during the past couple of years.
During our last morning at the campsite, I went up to gaze at the mountains and rolling hills. It was a warm day. I had my water bottle beside me and I meditatively watched the mountains and felt the warmth of the sunshine on me. I love gazing at an expansive natural landscape and only hearing the sounds of the natural world. It feels so expansive, nourishing, and liberating to my soul to only see the natural world in front of me without power lines, cars, concrete, traffic, and urban planning. I was acutely aware during the weekend, how quiet it is in nature. Except, the last morning when some of us were woken up by many loud bird calls. Yet, during my time in nature on this trip, I was reminded of how quiet, peaceful, and nourishing to my holistic self nature is. There wasn't any urban noise pollution.
I yearn to live in an area that is that peaceful and filled with the sounds of the natural world. The external peace that I experience and feel at times in the natural world is like the inner peace that I create and cultivate within myself through my meditative and mindfulness practice. Everything in nature is communicating. One only has to be present, clear, have a willingness to listen, and a reverence and respect for the natural world to truly hear. These California mountains are old and wise. As I gazed at the mountains, I felt peaceful and grounded. May I be as patient and strong as the mountains.
I did take some cooking classes when I was 20 years old and living/studying abroad in Siena, Italy. At that time, I learned how to prepare sauces as well. The tomato plant is originally native to South America. There are around 7500 different varieties of tomatoes that are currently being grown world-wide! It's amazing how cultivation of the tomato spread from South America to Europe, North America, and to most of the world! I find joy in watering, nourishing, and being near the growing plants in my garden.
I recently went on a camping trip with friends at the end of August, near Guerneville in the Austin Creek State Recreation area. We found a wonderful campsite that was spacious enough for all 6 of us. I enjoyed walking to the top of the hill that preceded the campsite area and gazing at the rolling hills and mountains. The first night, I saw a shooting star from the expansive area at the top of the hill and gazed at many stars and constellations above me. I later joined up with my buddy Sam and Amelia near Bullfrog pond to look at some constellations. Amelia pointed out the constellation of Cassiopeia--which was clearly visible. I saw several more shooting stars that night and the cool forest air felt refreshing.
On our walk back to our campsite we saw a Spotted Owl fly from a branch above us. That was the first time in my life that I had ever seen an owl before in the natural world. What an amazing omen! The next night while I was brushing my teeth near the water spigot, I heard the rustling of leaves and shone my flashlight in front of me. A few yards away was a small Spotted Owl! The Owl rotated its head and looked at me and then rotated its eyes and head away. I gazed at the owl for several minutes until it flew away. I was the only one to see the Spotted Owl near the spigot.
That night I slept under the stars right beneath a tall manzanita tree. Near the tree I found a beautiful Red-Tail Hawk feather! During this camping trip, I felt that I received many blessings from the natural world and animals in that area. The Red-Tail Hawk has very special significance to me and is one of my animal totems. I revere and honor the Red-Tail Hawk. This was the first time in my life that I've seen or found a Red-Tail Hawk feather in the wild. The feather is now on my altar in my room with the other feathers that I've found during the past couple of years.
During our last morning at the campsite, I went up to gaze at the mountains and rolling hills. It was a warm day. I had my water bottle beside me and I meditatively watched the mountains and felt the warmth of the sunshine on me. I love gazing at an expansive natural landscape and only hearing the sounds of the natural world. It feels so expansive, nourishing, and liberating to my soul to only see the natural world in front of me without power lines, cars, concrete, traffic, and urban planning. I was acutely aware during the weekend, how quiet it is in nature. Except, the last morning when some of us were woken up by many loud bird calls. Yet, during my time in nature on this trip, I was reminded of how quiet, peaceful, and nourishing to my holistic self nature is. There wasn't any urban noise pollution.
I yearn to live in an area that is that peaceful and filled with the sounds of the natural world. The external peace that I experience and feel at times in the natural world is like the inner peace that I create and cultivate within myself through my meditative and mindfulness practice. Everything in nature is communicating. One only has to be present, clear, have a willingness to listen, and a reverence and respect for the natural world to truly hear. These California mountains are old and wise. As I gazed at the mountains, I felt peaceful and grounded. May I be as patient and strong as the mountains.
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