Tuesday, August 19, 2008

first blog

Hello. My name is Ewan. Ewan is pronounced as ee-whan. It is a Celtic and Eastern European name that means young warrior and of the yew tree. In the ancient Celtic culture, wood from the Yew trees was used to make long bows for archers. I feel inspired to write about my experiences. I've been out as a transgender guy, to myself since the early Spring of 2008. Gradually, I've come out to everyone I know in Portland, OR and also to my family in California. During my process, I've researched on line and I've been reading books. What I'm drawn to are books, articles, and information that are contemporary and up to date about trans guys. I really liked reading the book, THE TESTOSTERONE FILES by Max Valerio. I believe it was published in the past year or two. I'm also reading the book JUST ADD HORMONES by Matt Kailey. I'm reading biographies and doing my research before I begin taking Testosterone sometime this winter. I want to glean and educate myself about other people's experiences and lives. I feel for me, I'd really like to hear more about trans guys experiences who are in their 20's and 30's. I'm in my mid-20's and I want to share what I'm going through and will continue to experience during my process.
Also, I want to share my perspectives from a holistic and spiritual lens. I view being transgender as a spiritual as well as a holistic and human experience. Most of the people who I've encountered who are trans peers, relate their experiences to me from the lens of their physical realm, human experiences. I immensely enjoy hearing what each individual has to say. I would like to connect with others who I resonate with from a spiritual/ holistic perspective.

I feel this inner integration of my masculine and feminine selves. The yin and the yang. I feel these energies are united within me and that being a transgender guy has enabled me to become a whole person and to express my authentic self. I feel and know that it is a gradual process of emergence. I honor the slow pace and rhythms. I feel that all of the practicalities of bureacratic paperwork involved in a name change, for instance is a lesson. A lesson to simply be with this entire process. Even when I feel frustrated at how things are structured in the physical realms, at times. When I reflect on the pace and rhythms of nature, I realize that everything simply unfolds at a slow pace. The creative process is magical. Gradually, change and growth and the process continues. When I focus on a single day, the process may appear to be so slow. If I reflect and envision the big picture, the gestalt,I know and feel that I'm flowing and emerging at a pace that is aligned with the organic and natural world. If things speeded up, I'm not sure If I would have the time to process it all and to savor the experience.

On August, 21st I will legally have my name changed. I have been having dreams that correspond to the theme of my name change. My court date was set over a month ago. I was surprised that there were so many people getting their names changed. For me, I had no idea that I would ever change my name, until earlier this year. I feel empowered and excited. I immensely like and resonate with my name, Ewan. I do feel a sense of loss of what was. I feel like there is no going back, just the continual journey and path ahead that I'm adventuring on; one step, hop, skip at a time. It feels that my feminine name is part of a past life. Or it feels like childhood. The teenage years. or even my college self. I've been shaped by what I've been, experienced, and who I was. Yet, I'm no longer that person. There are remnants of course, foundations and formative years/experiences, but it feels like a past life. I do honor my past selves and I'm excited to contine to become the person who I truly am.