Thursday, November 16, 2017

My thoughts during Trans Awareness Week

It's Trans Awareness Week. Most of what I post and share on social media is about trans themes and experiences. This is often what I write about and have made movies about. Why is this? I feel inspired and compelled to post and share about current articles, news, art, and culture that is about and impacts the Trans community. If I don't advocate and show support for my own basic rights as well as the rights of all Trans people and the Trans community, then who will? Yes, there are amazing allies who speak up, support, and are open to continually learning. Yet, as I continue to live my life and meet all kinds of new people as well as sustain friend and community connections with folks who are allies or LGBTQ themselves, I continually encounter individuals who expect me to educate them about trans themes and experiences. This is an expectation. A request. Yet, I'm not offered payment for my time educating people. There are so many articles on the internet, more books about trans people, trans history, and rights now than ever before! There is more media representation. Yet, there is still an issue with casting trans/gender non-conforming talent for trans/gender non-conforming roles. As well as a big issue that I will continue to voice and bring up until it is rectified; most of the filmmakers, writers, and powers that be with funding and money to make media are white, cisgender, straight, or even LGBQ! Trans and gender non-conforming people need to be the ones telling their own stories and creating their own media. They deserve to be fairly compensated and paid to do so.

I recently applied for a grant to make a short trans themed film. I wrote the draft for the proposal, chose a friend who is a trans man of color to be the protagonist, and created a compelling story to tell. Then updated the story arc to the producer's specification within a super short turn around time. I only dealt with one cis, white, female, queer identified producer. I then found out that the two producers, i.e. powers that be were both white, cis, female, queer identified filmmakers who were the gatekeepers to choosing which trans proposals would be picked to receive funding. This is an issue. Why weren't there trans people and trans people of color hired to decide/produce which trans films and trans filmmakers would receive funding to create new and compelling work? Being queer identified does not give one free reign and access to tell trans stories and profit from the films one makes about them. Nonetheless, my proposal didn't make it to the final round to be picked to receive funding.

I personally would love to see more films by queer identified directors and filmmakers that focus on their experiences and stories. i.e their perspective/relationship with their trans best friend, trans cousin, trans partner, etc. I do find it an issue when filmmakers create media with a lead trans protagonist and they aren't trans themselves. Hire a co-director who is Trans to work with you if you truly feel that called to create media that is about trans lives and is not from your lived perspective. Overall, tell your story. Tell the stories that you have lived and experienced. Give space and funding opportunities to trans artists and trans artists of color. We need to be the ones telling and creating our own media.

I'm currently living in my hometown; which is a conservative area. The area is changing and growing. Yet, it is still conservative overall. There are pockets of progressive people and I'm grateful that there is an active trans and LGBQ community here. I've been meeting new people and involved in the community since I recently moved back here. I've heard comments and received questions from well intentioned members of the LGBQ community here whom I've just met. Some examples of inappropriate comments and questions asked were, "Have you had THE surgery?" Or, "I was confused; fooled when people told me you were trans." Lastly, a white, cis, gay man from Boston made several transphobic remarks in front of me and several other cis, gay, male identified people, assuming that I was cisgender and gay. That shows how much transphobia and misinformation there is in the LGBQ communities.

#1. It is never okay upon first meeting someone to ask, "Have you had THE surgery?" That would be the equivalent of me asking an individual whom I've just met to disclose their medical history. That is a personal question. Unless the person asking is a medical professional and one is receiving healthcare, do not ask that question. Yet, when my transgender identity is disclosed or made visible to new people and community members, it seems that people are fixated on the body. Trans people are more than their bodies. Society's and individual's fixation on trans bodies deflects the focus from trans lives and realities. It is a fact that 40+% of Trans people have attempted suicide. Half of all homeless youth are LGBTQ identified. Trans individuals have one of the highest rates of unemployment in the U.S. It's even higher for Trans people of color. The same goes with homelessness. Trans people face housing discrimination, employment discrimination, discrimination trying to simply use the bathroom. In all facets of society and everyday life, trans people face discrimination. Under the current T**** administration, trans rights are continually on the chopping block. The current administration has made it clear that trans lives and rights do not matter. Telling service members, that they are a burden and not wanted to serve in the U.S. military. There is a cycle of not "enough-ness" that trans and gender non-conforming people are continually hearing from the T**** administration.

Why do I post so much about trans and gender non-conforming lives? One reason is because people's lives and basic rights are at stake!

#2. Intent and impact are two different things. One can have trans friends, work with trans people, and still make comments such as, "I was confused and fooled when I found out you were trans." How I look and present myself in the world is who I authentically am. I'm not wearing a disguise or hiding who I am. Who I am is who you see. I'm being and living my truth. Automatically assuming everyone is cisgender is an issue. I feel that most people have met trans people and haven't known it. It's an example of cisnormativity*--to assume that everyone you meet is cisgender. This is an issue for people who identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, and queer as well. Just because someone is in the LGBQ communities, doesn't mean that one is automatically an ally or aware of their internalized cisnormativity and working against that. It's up to the individual to educate themselves. Also, there are plenty of articles to read online about how to be a better ally to trans and gender non-conforming people. I recently heard from a person whom I met, "I don't know which articles to read online. There are negative ones against trans people. I don't even know where to start." Start with the publication, Everyday Feminism. Start with articles that are positive and inclusive of trans folks. It's not that hard to google this information online.

#3. It's shocking and sad when people in the LGBQ communities are unsupportive and blatantly transphobic! Including this happening in front of a trans person, myself. While people assume everyone around them is cisgender. Gender diversity trainings can be beneficial to all people. It's painful when people who one is in community with are blatantly judgemental, hateful, and not inclusive of trans people. Who is left to stand and speak up for trans people? It can't only be trans people speaking up for trans people. Allies are needed to educate people. As well as to support the trans people in their lives. It's important that allies are the ones to speak up and defend trans people and trans rights!

These are some thoughts, musings, feelings and experiences that I wanted to share during trans awareness weeks for any and all interested readers.

Thanks for reading!

If you feel moved to write and comment or repost, please do.

In light and continual learning,

Ewan Duarte
@ewanduarte


* Cisnormativity is the assumption that all, or almost all, individuals are cisgender. Although transgender-identified people comprise a fairly small percentage of the human population, many trans* people and allies consider it to be offensive to presume that everyone is cisgender unless otherwise specified. --The Queer Dictionary

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Transmuting Disfluency Into Gold

I recently attended the 25th annual Models Of Pride conference in Los Angeles. http://www.modelsofpride.org I hadn't heard of this conference until a community member, Professor Diane Klein posted about it online and invited me to submit a proposal to lead one of the workshops. I was hesitant since I've primarily only done Q & A's after my films have screened. Queering Yoga- my documentary in the works is still in the works! I envisioned presenting and doing Q & A's when it was a polished and finished piece. Yet, I was encouraged to show work in progress clips of Queering Yoga as well as screen my prior films; Spiral Transition and Change Over Time. The Models of Pride conference is the largest LGBTQ youth conference in the U.S. with over two thousand people who attended! There was a concurrent mini professionals and parents conference that was a part of the Models of Pride event. My Dad, who is an LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) attended the conference with me and he took workshops in the professional track.

I've presented my films to college classes before and spoke about my creative processes as well as trans themes and experiences that are aligned to the content/theme of my films. I've also done many Q & A's after my films have screened at film festivals. Yet, I wasn't the only person facilitating and holding down the space of a workshop or class for an hour. During the Models of Pride workshop, I was the only facilitator presenting for an hour. Regarding preparation this brought up a lot for me. I have a history of disfluent speech which not everyone who knows me is aware of. I've struggled most of my life with speaking fluently--especially when presenting or speaking in large groups of people. Most people cannot tell that I've ever been speech disfluent. Perhaps a word or sentence here or there. Disfluency often arises for me when I'm emotional, ungrounded, or presenting in front of groups of people. I have done presentations over the years during my undergraduate and graduate school years. Some presentations have gone well, others have left me questioning my self-worth/esteem, etc. feeling bad about myself or being incredibly hard on myself when I've done my best.

I've done healing work around having a history of speech disfluency. I've also gone to speech therapy in the past when I was younger. Although, I'm fluent most of the time when I speak and most people do not know about my history, at moments my speech is disfluent. Being speech disfluent has shaped me greatly as a person. It's been a journey of being silenced and full of self-loathing when I was younger to practicing being more gentle with myself, compassionate, and self-loving. I have so much to say. I've always had so much to say and share with people and the world. Having been silenced or quiet as a child, teenager, and adult due to my speech disfluency has shaped me as much as a river shapes rocks in its path.

In my life, it's been a difficult path to reclaim my voice and even to write about this and share it publicly, which I feel called to do now. Now is the time. In sharing this, I'm reclaiming my history, voice, and story. Transmuting my hardship and what some see as a deficit into a story of empowerment and triumph. Last month I worked with a healer who said that stuttering/speech disfluency is a gift. It allows me to slow down enough to savor every word and to express what I need to say in a way that is digestible and expressed with intention. It is a gift. I also worked with her on healing and being more empowered speaking in front of large groups of people.

I have improved over the years through practice. I feel that I improve with every Q & A that I do as a filmmaker/artist. I just wish that more people would be compassionate and not judge me for being nervous or speech disfluent at moments when I publicly speak in front of large groups of people. People whom I used to call "friends" years ago gossiped about this challenge of mine. A former friend and community member told me once to my face that she heard I had a difficult time speaking in groups. I asked her how she heard that. Oh, gossip she said. That wasn't a pleasant interaction or one of compassion or really "seeing" me.

As human beings we all have a core need to be seen and heard. It's important for me to be compassionate, kind, and loving to myself. I am. It's a continual practice. There are always more layers and levels of self-love. Yet, it's important to surround one's self with friends and kind community members who are supportive rather than people who try to tear you down, due to jealously, competitiveness, insecurity, etc. I've seen speaking and facilitation opportunities go to other filmmakers/artists in my community who I know, since they are fluent speakers and it's more easeful for them to publicly speak.

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We all have our challenges and blessings everyday. I'm splendidly imperfect. We are all splendidly imperfect.


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During the Models Of Pride conference at USC in Los Angeles, I was moved to tears from seeing the thousands of LGBTQ and QTPOC youth in attendance! It was so touching to see so many youth who were in supported community and affirmed in their identities at such young ages. There is strength in community! I wish for all LGBTQ and QTPOC youth to have this opportunity. To see and be around empowered examples of adults in the workshops they attended, who identify the way that they do. Seeing examples of LGBTQ and QTPOC adults who are thriving and empowered is vital for youth. This is why empowered representation of LGBTQ and QTPOC identities in media is so important. The thousands of LGBTQ and QTPOC youth at the conference, had access to over 100 workshops to choose from. I would have loved to be at a conference like this when I was younger. It would have been life-changing. I felt some personal sadness for not having an opportunity like this when I was younger. Yet, I was so moved and happy for the thousands of youth that were there. I was glad/honored to be of service now as a Trans adult.

I was nervous, excited, and grateful for the opportunity to present my workshop titled, Becoming A Filmmaker.
I did a meditation outside near some trees on the USC campus, to ground and center myself before my workshop began. I was scheduled to present during the third and final workshop session of the day. I arrived at the classroom, 25 minutes before my workshop began. Two volunteers showed up to assist with lights, handing out evaluation forms at the end of the workshop, etc. They were both kind yet didn't know the technical set up of the classroom. It eventually took four Models Of Pride volunteers and one USC tech person to make it possible for my laptop with an HDMI cable attached, to play my movies on the two screens in front of the classroom. The visuals of my computer were showing up on the two small TV's in the classroom, yet not on the two large screens. Due to this technical issue, my workshop began 10-15 minutes late. There were 30-40+ LGBTQ youth in attendance. I told them all that there were technical difficulties and I would start the workshop as soon as I could. After the USC student tech worker finally solved the technical issue, I offered to give him a hug. I was very grateful to be able to screen my films in the classroom!

I began the workshop by introducing myself, sharing how I identify; Queer and Trans. How long ago I came out, 9 years ago as Trans and in undergraduate college as Queer. I shared a little bit about my films and told them that I would answer questions after the first two films had screened. Then, I would screen some clips of my documentary in the works, Queering Yoga. I was clear and fluent the entire time that I spoke. I was confident and made eye contact with many youth. The youth were moved and inspired by seeing my personal documentaries; Spiral Transition and Change Over Time. I talked about my creative process and the importance of telling one's own story. I also shared about how important it is for trans people to have access to telling their stories and to be in front of and behind the camera. I talked about the Trans Tipping Point that happened several years ago and how there are more trans characters, shows, articles, and mainstream news media about trans themes and experiences than ever before. I answered questions about my films and the youth were attentive and not one of the LGBTQ/QTPOC youth left my workshop once it began. They were all very attentive and engaged with what I shared and the films I screened. I only had time left to share two clips from two Queering Yoga participants. Overall, I feel everything was covered that was meant to be shared and imparted to the youth. I handed out some of my cards to the youth at the end of the workshop. More than 10 youth spoke with me after the workshop telling me that I'm amazing and that they were inspired.

I felt so proud to be of service to the LGBTQ and QTPOC youth who attended my workshop. I'm so glad that they got a lot out of what I expressed and shared. I'm so proud of myself for articulating and expressing myself so fluently, clearly, and confidently from my lived experience; in front of a large group of people. That was a true triumph. I felt victorious, happy, and so grateful. I did it. I held down the workshop space with ease and grace, inspired the LGBTQ/QTPOC youth, and was fluent the entire time!

Thanks for reading,

Ewan Duarte

Below is a photo of me, my Dad at the conference, and my Dad and I at the Models Of Pride conference at USC in Los Angeles this past weekend. Oct. 29th, 2017.


Sunday, July 9, 2017

Cultivating Hope and Beingness

A question that I live with and express often is, "How can one cultivate hope?" Also, "How can one co-create hope?"
What does that mean to you?
To me it means to continue to be awake, aware, mindful, and to choose to stay informed. Yet, also choosing to cultivate peace, beingness, and focusing on self-care which involves not listening to the news or reading articles about the current political state of affairs that are beyond the beyond. It means choosing balance and setting intentions to live a balanced life. There is a time to ingest information intentionally and a time to have clear boundaries about what articles and media I'm ingesting. This can be insidious at times. This is the age of information. One is continually bombarded with news on social media and all forms of media. What I post on Facebook and social media, I aim to post with intention and awareness.

I was recently asked the question, "How can one change the world? What impact can one person have and/or make?" We can only change the world by changing ourselves. If you want more peace in the world, you can choose to be that peace. Work towards that with meditation, yoga, affirmations, healing work, slowing down and being. Doing the inner work. What is inactive is active. What is active is inactive. While sitting quietly and simply being--there is so much going on internally and in one's inner world. It is quite active. There are the external and internalized pressures to always be productive in our capitalistic society/culture in America. In the West, we've all internalized and learned this. Capitalism taught us that we are only worthy and enough by how productive we are. That we ought to only do. We have lost the value of being-ness.

Yet, one can be awake, aware, and unlearn these internalized beliefs that keep one on an unhealthy cycle of always being busy, always feeling pressured to be productive, constantly running on the societal treadmill of shoulds and oughts that is oppressive, unhealthy, and un-human. Human beings need rest, beingness, balance, vacations, time to look at expansive natural landscapes, time in nature, time to connect, space, and time/energies to live and enjoy life. This is not only reserved for affluent people or the 1 percent of human beings. One does not need to continue to live one's life in a state of overwhelm and constant busy-ness. That is a choice. One can choose to unlearn societal/cultural capitalistic teachings and re-learn to live in a more balanced way. It all begins with awareness. It all beings with curiosity. It all begins with a question. How can I live a more balanced life? What affirmation(s) can I create for myself so that I know that I'm enough? Simply by being and existing, I am enough. I do not need to do anything to be worthy, to be valuable, to be loved.

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I am enough.

You are enough.

We are all enough, just as we are. By simply being and existing.

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I feel that the current malaise in contemporary western society/culture is busy-ness. Everyone seems and is very busy. We are all so busy. There isn't time for this or that. I often hear statements like, "I don't have time or money for this," etc. There are so many limitations that we create as individuals and as a society/culture. I've observed housemates, friends, and loved ones run around like chickens with their heads cut off from simply being super overwhelmed, overbooked, and very busy! Yes, one needs to earn a living, deal with all of the practicalities of life, focus on self-care, maintain relationships, do laundry, chores, errands, pay the bills, etc. Yet, if one is feeling overwhelmed and very busy over a long period of time, I would suggest looking at your written schedule. Are you over-booked? Did you overbook yourself? Are you doing too much and is that a personal choice? What can you let go of and compost from your schedule so that you can carve out 30 minutes a day to simply be. Whether that is a nap, meditation, going for a mindful walk, sitting quietly in a garden, etc. Try this out and truly see what arises during those 30 minutes a day of stillness and being-ness. During this time, turn off your phone, iPad, laptop, etc. It's a time to BE not a time to surf the web or be on social media. If one carves out 30 minutes a day for intentional being-ness when before you didn't, this can be life-changing. Maybe you will realize that volunteering for 3 organizations while holding down a full-time job is too much. Perhaps it's in your highest interest to only volunteer for one and have some time to be. Cook healthy meals for yourself instead or go on daily walks or journal more, or simply be in a garden. The choice is up to you. One doesn't have to choose to be extremely busy. There is a difference between having an active and full life and a busy one.

The choice is up to you. You can begin with a small step to be for 30 min. a day with intention. From there you can re-evaluate your schedule. Where is your time and energy going? If one is overwhelmed and incredibly busy for a long-term period of time, that is an issue. Sure, one may have a work project or film project, etc. that one is working on 24/7 for a stint of time. I've done that with my own creative work. Yet, it's not long-term. Working like that over a long-term period of time is unsustainable and you will have to stop at some point. That stopping point will be illness and/or disease.

The choice is yours. May you feel empowered, happy, and live a joyous life. An active life full of the balance of doing and being.

In light and in the joy of being,

Ewan













Yosemite National Park. Photos © Ewan Duarte

Blog post © Ewan Duarte