Bay Area rain storms and my most recent Clovis visit

Another rain storm is here. The rain continues to fall and I enjoy the sound of the water. I find it soothing. It feels like a Bay Area monsoon. During this past weekend I went to Tilden park to go on a muddy hike with a new friend. The loop trail that I usually hike on was obstructed by torrents of water! Usually, there is a gentle stream that I cross over before I hike up the hill to continue on the trail. There was no possible way that I was going to attempt to cross the torrent of fast moving muddy waters from the recent rain storms.

There is a second trail that I knew about at Tilden. It was a level, even keeled hike or more like a nature walk. Near the nature center there was a sign that said that a mountain lion was sighted earlier that day. The fresh air felt wonderful and I enjoyed stomping around on the muddy trail with my rain boots. I enjoyed hearing the sounds of the running water in streams that had become rivers.

Oh, life! So much has been happening and I've been busy, indeed. I've been acclimating back to my life in the Bay Area since my visit to Clovis for the Thanksgiving holiday. I was there for 6 days. Which, is the longest that I've been in Clovis since before I moved to the Bay Area, three and a half years ago. My sister Isa travelled up from La Jolla and I hadn't seen her in over two years. It was the first time since I was in high school that only my immediate family, my parents, sister, and I were all together for a holiday. That was really special. Isa is the mother of two children; Chloe and Lily. Isa's ex-husband had the girls this year for Thanksgiving. During past holidays Isa was with her husband, before that a boyfriend, her children were present, or other family members were invited over. It was very interesting indeed, how for Thanksgiving 2012, our paths aligned again so that the immediate Duarte family could be re-united. My intention was to be present and enjoy everyone's company during my Clovis visit.

Isa had not seen me since before I had begun testosterone. I aimed to be present, to go with the flow, enjoy food, and appreciate time with my family of origin. It wasn't the visit to bring up questions or a conversation about my trans themes and experiences. Most of the time, when I speak I feel inspired to do so. Themes and experiences arise when I feel called to express them. If I feel that the listener is ready to engage in a conversation of respect, reciprocity, and has the presence and energy to do so, I will express my experiences and how I feel. I wonder what her impression of me was? What is her process in regards to me right now? These are areas that I do not know. Those conversations did not happen at the most recent visit and that is okay. I feel that they will arise when Isa is ready to listen and is interested in a conversation of reciprocity, compassion, and understanding.

It is interesting. My process has been that usually, I intend to initiate healing conversations--to talk about prior experiences, conversations, and situations to heal them. Yet, for healing conversations, mutual understanding, and awareness to occur, I feel that both people have to be interested, willing, and present with each other to carve out the time for emotional depth and these conversations. From my experience, there needs to be mutual interest. This is the reason that during my prior visit, I intended to simply be, enjoy food, and enjoy everyone's company. Rather than the expectation to have these healing conversations occur. If and when these meaningful conversations of depth and healing arise my questions will be answered. My trans themes and experiences, especially the past two and a half years on testosterone were not even mentioned or a part of the conversation or interactions. The only question that I asked Isa was if she liked my ginger beard. She said that she did.

May I continue to focus upon what I appreciate about those who are in my life. May I continue to express my personal truth, experiences, thoughts, and feelings with compassion and love. May I have the courage to express constructive feedback when it is the time to do so. May all beings speak with compassion and love.