I feel the impending Springtime.
It is a gift that I feel that I have earned.
Wind, cold, snow, and being new in a different land, city, community, and chapter of time.
I have endured the Winter.
The Spring holds its gifts like a promise in every bud that is about to burst open.
So too, I will feel this re-birth.
What will I be birthed into?
What does this season have in store for me?
With so much uncertainty and unknown. Each step I continue to walk. With confidence? Trepidation? Continuing on my path, yet I don't even know what the next few steps in front of me will be. Since, I have major decisions to make. Yet, I am grateful for my meditative practice. My connection to my Self. My connection to Spirit. That will guide me like a shining light, like a bursting bud, into the Springtime and beyond.
When the few steps before me, I usually see with clarity. Even in this desert, the Southwest, I do not know.
The rocks know how to wait with patience.
The rocks are patient.
My soul is the river that washes over them.
I could sit with the rocks all day, near the riverbank and still not have the answers that I seek.
With patience and in time the answers will come. The clarity will burst forth like a blossom in the Springtime.
Not before, when it is still Winter.
I thought that this chapter would be easier. That I would have more time to be, in a sense. To live. To create. To enjoy life.
Yet, it is harder. Harder than graduate school. When I worked 80 hour weeks and put everything into my film.
Hunger.
The desert has stripped me of everything that I came here with.
My bank account.
My confidence.
My faith.
Thus, the spiraling descent.
I heeded the call. The call of my heart. My clarity. My personal guidance. I made the decision.
and.
I.
Am.
Glad.
That.
I.
Did.
Despite the pain and suffering.
Eating beans, peanut butter, and pasta.
Now.
I do have enough and I am enough.
I've always been enough and I always will be enough.
I am light. I am love. I chose to be here on Earth.
Faith is believing in myself and my path.
Faith is continuing to walk, one foot in front of the other, on my path.
Faith is to persevere.
Faith is to believe in myself even when only I and the Universe believe in myself.
Faith is not giving up.
Faith is to continue to apply for jobs.
Faith is to find a way to be like the rocks.
To be strong. To be. To listen to the water flowing. To be patient.
Faith is being a self-reliant man.
Faith is continuing to co-create my life, although there isn't any external validation or a clear road yet. Since I am the one making the road as I continue to live.
Faith is trusting in myself and the Universe.
Having faith in myself is having faith in humanity.
For one advancement helps everyone as we collectively evolve.
The buds of Spring whisper to me to trust. To be. To grow. To burst forth at the right moment.
And I will.
I am.
Here.
Now.
By the riverbank watching the rocks.
Watching patience.
--Ewan Duarte
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Saturday, February 1, 2014
The High Desert
This afternoon while taking a walk in Albuquerque near the UNM campus as my clothes were at the laundromat in the midst of a wash cycle, I encountered a man, sipping his coffee outside at a patio cafe accompanied by a falcon. At first I thought that the falcon was a hawk. The man who cared for the falcon corrected me and said it was a falcon. It was a beautiful bird. The falcon was eating its lunch and had a bloody beak. The glove that the man wore that the falcon was standing upon was a bit bloody as well. We all need to eat and this bird is a carnivore. I told the man, (whose name I didn't ask for as I didn't introduce myself either), that I had never seen a person drinking coffee at a cafe with a falcon on his arm.
In California, in several different areas, I've seen parrots on people's shoulders or arms. Yet, never a bird of prey that a person cared for out in public.
Clouds blanketed the high desert sky today. It was a bit grey. Tomorrow is Imbolc; a Celtic holy-day and the first indication of Spring. It corresponds to the lactation of ewes. The only indication that I noticed today on my walk in the desert were some green sprouts that looked like they would become Marigolds, or another flower. I doubt crocuses grow in the high desert. Yet, I haven't lived here in the Spring.
The desert is beautiful and harsh.
Tough
Love.
The man said that the falcon almost died recently. He found his falcon on the ground, barely moving. Apparently, a coyote tried to eat the jack rabbit that the falcon preyed upon. The falcon fought the coyote with its talons and the coyote tore at the falcon's beak. The falcon's beak was healing and the man pointed out visible cracks on the falcon's beak. Life is harsh.
Life
is
precious.
My dear friends, Lanz, Christen, and Cole Harris (who is an adorable toddler) drove in their camper van, Stella Blue from Portland and landed in Albuquerque several evenings ago. They were here for less than a day. They are relocating from Portland to their hometown of Charlottesville in Virginia.
I asked Christen how the drive was into the desert. He said that it was harrowing. The winds were so strong, like nothing he had experienced. Christen had to concentrate and drive cautiously in the high power desert winds in a less than aerodynamic camper van. Just add wings to the van and it would possibly fly across the desert. The wind here is something else. The wind in the Bay Area can be strong at times yet it's not like the desert wind.
Here are some more Southwest observations. Or Albuquerque observations that I've experienced.
*All of the people who I've met who are from Albuquerque want to leave Albuquerque and the Southwest. In particular, those individuals who have only lived in Albuquerque and haven't experienced life in a different city or town.
*To get a job, any job in Albuquerque, it is all about who you know.
*Craigslist doesn't work in Albuquerque or anywhere in the Southwest. I haven't had any fruitful experiences with it. Most job offers on CL are scams.
*The colors of the lights on Albuquerque police cars are different hued colors than the ones in California or on most of the West Coast.
*Albuquerque is the quietest place where I have lived for a city. There is stillness. The sounds of silence.
*There are many dogs in people's front and back yards that are behind chain-linked fences. Most dogs in front yards bark when I pass by when taking a walk.
*If I email someone here I usually hear back in a week or more. People are in no hurry to respond to emails. Or to hurry in any area of their lives it seems like.
*The pace of life is slow.
*The theme of survival is real. The desert is a harsh environment to live.
*Albuquerque is a city with a small town feel. It's the most populated city in the state of New Mexico. There are over half a million people who live here. Yet, it's surprising to me that for a City of its size and population that it feels like a small town.
Here is a picture of the Falcon that I met today and the man who takes care of the Falcon.
Thanks for reading.
Ewan
In California, in several different areas, I've seen parrots on people's shoulders or arms. Yet, never a bird of prey that a person cared for out in public.
Clouds blanketed the high desert sky today. It was a bit grey. Tomorrow is Imbolc; a Celtic holy-day and the first indication of Spring. It corresponds to the lactation of ewes. The only indication that I noticed today on my walk in the desert were some green sprouts that looked like they would become Marigolds, or another flower. I doubt crocuses grow in the high desert. Yet, I haven't lived here in the Spring.
The desert is beautiful and harsh.
Tough
Love.
The man said that the falcon almost died recently. He found his falcon on the ground, barely moving. Apparently, a coyote tried to eat the jack rabbit that the falcon preyed upon. The falcon fought the coyote with its talons and the coyote tore at the falcon's beak. The falcon's beak was healing and the man pointed out visible cracks on the falcon's beak. Life is harsh.
Life
is
precious.
My dear friends, Lanz, Christen, and Cole Harris (who is an adorable toddler) drove in their camper van, Stella Blue from Portland and landed in Albuquerque several evenings ago. They were here for less than a day. They are relocating from Portland to their hometown of Charlottesville in Virginia.
I asked Christen how the drive was into the desert. He said that it was harrowing. The winds were so strong, like nothing he had experienced. Christen had to concentrate and drive cautiously in the high power desert winds in a less than aerodynamic camper van. Just add wings to the van and it would possibly fly across the desert. The wind here is something else. The wind in the Bay Area can be strong at times yet it's not like the desert wind.
Here are some more Southwest observations. Or Albuquerque observations that I've experienced.
*All of the people who I've met who are from Albuquerque want to leave Albuquerque and the Southwest. In particular, those individuals who have only lived in Albuquerque and haven't experienced life in a different city or town.
*To get a job, any job in Albuquerque, it is all about who you know.
*Craigslist doesn't work in Albuquerque or anywhere in the Southwest. I haven't had any fruitful experiences with it. Most job offers on CL are scams.
*The colors of the lights on Albuquerque police cars are different hued colors than the ones in California or on most of the West Coast.
*Albuquerque is the quietest place where I have lived for a city. There is stillness. The sounds of silence.
*There are many dogs in people's front and back yards that are behind chain-linked fences. Most dogs in front yards bark when I pass by when taking a walk.
*If I email someone here I usually hear back in a week or more. People are in no hurry to respond to emails. Or to hurry in any area of their lives it seems like.
*The pace of life is slow.
*The theme of survival is real. The desert is a harsh environment to live.
*Albuquerque is a city with a small town feel. It's the most populated city in the state of New Mexico. There are over half a million people who live here. Yet, it's surprising to me that for a City of its size and population that it feels like a small town.
Here is a picture of the Falcon that I met today and the man who takes care of the Falcon.
Thanks for reading.
Ewan
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
From ice to extreme heat--this change is alchemical.
Wow! It's a new year, a new month, and a full moon in Cancer today! A lot is shifting and changing. Here is a quote that my friend/mentor, Allison Bradley shared with me, "All calculations based on our experience elsewhere fail in New Mexico."
--Lew Wallace
first territorial governor of New Mexico and author of Ben Hur
Currently, this quote is very resonant to me. I've been looking for another job for several weeks. Craigslist has not been fruitful. Most of the job posts that I do hear from are spam or illegitimate offers to receive packages from a fake company or individual until the employer arrives to Albuquerque from a different country.
It seems like places that I've gone to in person are hiring at the end of February or in the Springtime.
I did have an interview to be a pizza delivery driver. The guy who interviewed me thought that I was 18 years old and said that there were over 20 applicants to interview. He also said that I wouldn't hear from him for 2-3 weeks.
Yesterday, the hardware store that was hiring said to call back in two weeks to inquire again.
Another Craiglist job that I saw was for someone who could do temporary Data Entry for a busy medical office. I brought my resume and references to the address on Lomas blvd. and it turns out that the busy medical office is a cannabis dispensary. They said they would call me the next day. I followed up, yet the job had been filled.
All of the urban tools and skills that I have are not working in the Southwest. Or aren't useful tools/skills in a sense.
It's as if I'm being pushed into a direction to envision creative solutions. This is my new mantra, "May I be open to solutions that I haven't imagined yet."
Clear direct intentions, lighting candles, being proactive, asking friends and folks in my community for input on places to apply and suggestions as well as following up with jobs hasn't landed me a new job yet.
What is one to do? To be patient? To keep being proactive? To continue to have hope?
Or am I simply standing in the middle of the high desert stripped of everything that I came here with. Naked in the wind and to the forces of the elements and powerful Spirits of the land?
I originally began this blog so that I could write about having hope or sustaining hope during these transitional times on Earth. I often wrote about my garden in Berkeley as a source of rejuvenation, healing, wisdom, hope, and light.
How does one sustain hope in the desert? How does one truly believe that their intentions, proactivity, and doing one's best is going to assist them in surviving?
Yes, the high desert does not have the urban stress of the Bay Area such as the fierce competition, traffic, long commutes, density of population, noise pollution, high cost of living, pollution, and other urban stressors.
Yet, in the desert just like anywhere else there is the stress of, "how will one survive?"
Accelerated initiations happen in the desert if one is attuned and open to them on one's spiritual path/journey.
Clarity arises in the desert.
The desert is beautiful and harsh. From snow on cacti to the scorching rays of the summer sun. That is alchemy, that is transformation, and transmutation. From ice to extreme heat.
I recently had my three month anniversary in the High Desert on Monday, Jan. 13th. I arrived to Santa Fe, New Mexico on October 13th in the last afternoon. The next day, I began work on the film shoot, Lightning In The Hand.
Here is a list of my accomplishments thus far during the past three months of living in Albuquerque, in the High Desert.
*I've worked on three film shoots.
*I created my own website through WordPress.
*I launched my own professional freelance still Photography and Video Production business. www.ewanduarteproductions.com
*I've made new friends.
*I'm a part of a new community in Albuquerque.
*My film, Change Over Time continues to screen on the film festival circuit. Change Over Time is currently an official selection in 37 film festivals worldwide including 13 countries; The U.S. Switzerland, Germany, Norway, Israel, Thailand, Spain, Turkey, Canada, Australia, Slovenia, Hungary, and Brazil!
*I found an affordable and resonant home to live in solo.
*My business is officially licensed through the City of Albuquerque.
*I have my first clients this month for photo sessions.
*I hosted a lovely New Year's Eve collage gathering with 10 friends.
*I maintain two blogs. This one and a blog for Original Plumbing Magazine online.
*I created a newsletter via MailChip of my creative/artistic/educational accomplishments during 2013 and announced the launch of my business.
*I am taking care of myself and doing the best that I can.
Amidst extreme challenge and hardship, I still am hopeful. I will continue to do my best and to be aware of the lessons that I am meant to receive in the desert.
I also have an interview tomorrow afternoon at a temp agency.
Thanks for reading,
Ewan
--Lew Wallace
first territorial governor of New Mexico and author of Ben Hur
Currently, this quote is very resonant to me. I've been looking for another job for several weeks. Craigslist has not been fruitful. Most of the job posts that I do hear from are spam or illegitimate offers to receive packages from a fake company or individual until the employer arrives to Albuquerque from a different country.
It seems like places that I've gone to in person are hiring at the end of February or in the Springtime.
I did have an interview to be a pizza delivery driver. The guy who interviewed me thought that I was 18 years old and said that there were over 20 applicants to interview. He also said that I wouldn't hear from him for 2-3 weeks.
Yesterday, the hardware store that was hiring said to call back in two weeks to inquire again.
Another Craiglist job that I saw was for someone who could do temporary Data Entry for a busy medical office. I brought my resume and references to the address on Lomas blvd. and it turns out that the busy medical office is a cannabis dispensary. They said they would call me the next day. I followed up, yet the job had been filled.
All of the urban tools and skills that I have are not working in the Southwest. Or aren't useful tools/skills in a sense.
It's as if I'm being pushed into a direction to envision creative solutions. This is my new mantra, "May I be open to solutions that I haven't imagined yet."
Clear direct intentions, lighting candles, being proactive, asking friends and folks in my community for input on places to apply and suggestions as well as following up with jobs hasn't landed me a new job yet.
What is one to do? To be patient? To keep being proactive? To continue to have hope?
Or am I simply standing in the middle of the high desert stripped of everything that I came here with. Naked in the wind and to the forces of the elements and powerful Spirits of the land?
I originally began this blog so that I could write about having hope or sustaining hope during these transitional times on Earth. I often wrote about my garden in Berkeley as a source of rejuvenation, healing, wisdom, hope, and light.
How does one sustain hope in the desert? How does one truly believe that their intentions, proactivity, and doing one's best is going to assist them in surviving?
Yes, the high desert does not have the urban stress of the Bay Area such as the fierce competition, traffic, long commutes, density of population, noise pollution, high cost of living, pollution, and other urban stressors.
Yet, in the desert just like anywhere else there is the stress of, "how will one survive?"
Accelerated initiations happen in the desert if one is attuned and open to them on one's spiritual path/journey.
Clarity arises in the desert.
The desert is beautiful and harsh. From snow on cacti to the scorching rays of the summer sun. That is alchemy, that is transformation, and transmutation. From ice to extreme heat.
I recently had my three month anniversary in the High Desert on Monday, Jan. 13th. I arrived to Santa Fe, New Mexico on October 13th in the last afternoon. The next day, I began work on the film shoot, Lightning In The Hand.
Here is a list of my accomplishments thus far during the past three months of living in Albuquerque, in the High Desert.
*I've worked on three film shoots.
*I created my own website through WordPress.
*I launched my own professional freelance still Photography and Video Production business. www.ewanduarteproductions.com
*I've made new friends.
*I'm a part of a new community in Albuquerque.
*My film, Change Over Time continues to screen on the film festival circuit. Change Over Time is currently an official selection in 37 film festivals worldwide including 13 countries; The U.S. Switzerland, Germany, Norway, Israel, Thailand, Spain, Turkey, Canada, Australia, Slovenia, Hungary, and Brazil!
*I found an affordable and resonant home to live in solo.
*My business is officially licensed through the City of Albuquerque.
*I have my first clients this month for photo sessions.
*I hosted a lovely New Year's Eve collage gathering with 10 friends.
*I maintain two blogs. This one and a blog for Original Plumbing Magazine online.
*I created a newsletter via MailChip of my creative/artistic/educational accomplishments during 2013 and announced the launch of my business.
*I am taking care of myself and doing the best that I can.
Amidst extreme challenge and hardship, I still am hopeful. I will continue to do my best and to be aware of the lessons that I am meant to receive in the desert.
I also have an interview tomorrow afternoon at a temp agency.
Thanks for reading,
Ewan
Thursday, December 26, 2013
A love letter to the Bay Area
With every loss there is a gain. With every gain there is a loss. Perhaps it is simply the Holiday season, yet I've been really missing the Bay Area and my friends/community there. Thus, I wanted to write a love letter blog post to the Bay Area.
When I was a child my family and I would visit Berkeley a few times a year if not more. My Uncle Joel lived there as did good friends of the family that were like family. The Grossmans; Laura, Knut, Anya, and Jessica. We would visit with them in Berkeley. We sat outside of the French Hotel, Saul's, and other cafes on Shattuck Ave. I remember all of the cafe aromas and delicious pastries. My Mom, Uncle Joel, and Aunt Heidi grew up in Berkeley, CA. My maternal Grandparents moved their family from Miami, Florida to Berkeley, CA in the 60's when my Mom was 13. They lived in Berkeley for 6 or 7 years before they relocated to Paris, France. My Grandparents chose to move to the Bay Area for their political activism and for the overall progressive hub that was the Bay Area in the 1960's. Shirley and Bernie Hutner were civil rights activists, peace activists, and anti-nuke activists. Thalia Broudy, one of their close friends who was and still is an activist is in her 80's and currently lives in Berkeley, CA. She is the Mother of Laura Grossman and Karen Stern. Bay Area family friends that are like family.
Contemplating my family history, the 60's were an exciting time for my Grandparents, Mom, Aunt, and Uncle to be in the Bay Area! The past two years, when I often walked to downtown Berkeley from my home on McGee Ave. I sometimes thought of my Grandparents and Mother walking on these same sidewalks. Here we all were in the same area, yet at a different time. I thought about what it would be like to travel back in time to the 1960's. What would I tell my Mom if I saw her in Berkeley? Would I stop her to say something? Like, I'm your cousin you haven't met. That's why we have a strong resemblance. I wondered if there was anything that I could say or do that would impact my Mom's life in a more positive way. I don't think there is anything that I could've said or done that would be helpful for my Mom to hear or that could improve her life in anyway. Thus, if I could travel back in time I would simply look at her and smile. Her life and how she lived unfolded from her actions, decisions, and free will. A word from a time traveler cannot take or add lessons that one acquires and gleans from lived experience. The only way is through. To continue onward on one's life journey.
I always felt a strong affinity and connection to the Bay Area. I loved visiting when I was a child and teenager. I often wondered why we didn't live there. I loved the food, the culture, artistic opportunities, the gardens, and our family and friends there. Berkeley in particular felt like home to me.
The Bay Area was like a beacon of light to me. It was the city of my dreams. The place where I always wanted to live since I was a child. It was a dream come true when I had a purpose and it was my time to move there. It was 27 years until it was my time to live in the Bay Area. I was immensely excited for my chance to move to the Bay. My Mom said that it was a battle to get to the Bay Area and a battle to stay. I have found truth in that. For all of my excitement and enthusiasm, the reality of living in San Francisco was tough to say the least. It was the most urban and biggest City where I have ever lived. I went to college at UC Santa Cruz. I grew up in Clovis/Fresno. I lived in Portland, Oregon for almost 3 years before I moved to the Bay Area when I was 27 for graduate school at San Francisco State University.
Challenge after challenge after challenge came my way. I saw the worst in people in San Francisco. It was like witnessing the shadow side of humanity in a way that I had never seen before. The city was harsh and the people were harsher. Housing challenges, housemate imcompatibilities, and the hectic hustle bustle of every day life. Never really feeling settled and then having to look for new housing again and then again. Only to find a new place to live and have clarity a month later that my housemate was toxic and needing to move yet again.
I learned that housing isn't a right in San Francisco it is a privilege. I was almost in tears during the end of my first year of graduate school at SF State when I told the trans guys in a trans group that I went to that my housemate at the time was toxic and I needed to find a new place to live. I felt displaced and felt like I was on a continual search for resonant housing. One of the guys in my trans group mentioned that all of the Native Ohlone people have been displaced from this land. He expressed something to the effect that there was and is continual displacement from every group of people that have settled here since. As much as I loved the City; it's culture, art, beauty, radical politics, food, parks, urban planning, architecture, vibrant queer/trans community, it was an uphill battle getting through my first year living in San Francisco.
I'm not sure when during the past four years that I lived in the Bay Area that I finally developed a thick skin. I became hardened in a sense. I feel that I developed this as a queer/trans man and also being in the highly competitive field of film/media. I am tough and I can withstand living in the harsh environment of the city. Hardened so that I could withstand the critiques and feedback from professors and colleagues in my MFA Cinema graduate program. I have hardened so that I could survive and thrive in the dense and competitive environment that is the City. Also, my experiences of homophobia, transphobia, and queerphobia while living in the City have had an impact on me. Going through the ringer, again and again of feedback, critiques, and graduate school challenges as an artist was an initiation, indeed. To say the least.
I find that one must be tough and hardened in a sense to be a creative professional. Life is more challenging for me as a queer/trans man. I knew it was difficult at times, yet I've had long conversations with dear friends who are cisgender and straight in the last 6 months. Their lives are easier in a sense. Their lives are validated. For me as a trans man who is an artist, I aim to be kind yet I'm hardened. Hardened to be empowered and express that I do deserve to be here. Even if I'm the only one validating myself and my existence. I, as a beautiful queer/trans man who is an artist/filmmaker, can live my life and carve out a unique path that is my own to walk upon. Away from the mainstream. Just because I'm not on this mainstream path doesn't mean that I'm invaluable or do not deserve to be here. I exist and I'm making my time and energies here count. Even if I'm the only one validating myself. Thus, I have become hardened.
Once, before I found a parking spot, I saw a man carrying a bottle of wine in one hand and I watched as it slipped through his fingers and smashed in the middle of an intersection as he was walking halfway across the street. He just walked away, not bothering to pick up the pieces out of shame and embarrassment. While people nearby quickly picked up several large pieces of glass so that cars wouldn't run over them. I watched car accidents happen right before my eyes. I saw a man with blood and alcohol on himself passed out on the street in the Mission. I was yelled at by an upper class white woman in a grocery store parking lot for driving the wrong direction into the parking lot. I apologized, yet she rolled down her window and swore at me.
I came up with a phrase that I would often say when I worked at an upscale grocery store in Noe Valley. "People in the City." It's a good line that can be used for a lot of instances and experiences depending on one's tone.
I aimed to write about the light aspects and what I loved about the City, yet this blog has turned into more of an examination of my initiatory challenges and experiences in the City. In particularly during my first year living in San Francisco, expressing dark aspects, the shadow side of humanity. Through it all, I was meant to be there. I didn't know how for how long. Yet, I did my best to enjoy the moments of joy. Or simply all of the moments. I was as present as I could have been. For that I am proud. For all of my lessons, I am a richer man. For all of my experiences I can definitely say or exclaim, I have truly lived! Oh, the City. The Bay Area! My time there, all of my experiences, and the land itself. It's a part of me.
I do miss dancing amidst a sea of queer/trans folks at dance parties! I miss the energy, the excitement! Even if it is exhausting to live in since it's non-stop. The beautiful fog, the beautiful bay, the beautiful bridges! The chocolate crossiants from Tartine that I only indulged in on special occasions. Yummy pizza from the Cheese Board or Arizmendi. The feeling that anything is possible and that anything can happen in the City. The fashion, the art, the film, how many concerts or shows are always happening. There are queer/trans things to do everyday. The gayborhood. East Bay queers, faggy trans guys, feminine trans boys, radical politics, the Berkeley rose garden. The farmer's markets, bike rides, the OCEAN. The SEA. The BAY AREA. The Berkeley marina. Highway one. Tide pools. Living in a queer centric area. These are some qualities and experiences that I miss and that aren't in Albuquerque.
Dear, Bay Area. I will visit you at a resonant time! I'm not sure when. I blow you a kiss all the way from the High Desert of New Mexico! I am meant to be here now in Albuquerque. I look forward to embracing you when I visit next. You are in my heart and soul. We will meet in the present. I love you and I always will. You are the City of my dreams. A soul mate City in a sense. Although our relationship has come to an end, I think of you everyday. The relationship ends, yet my love for you still goes on. All of the things that I miss that I wrote above, I will experience when I visit you next. At some unknown time. Good night my love. Good night, Bay Area. I love you,
Ewan
When I was a child my family and I would visit Berkeley a few times a year if not more. My Uncle Joel lived there as did good friends of the family that were like family. The Grossmans; Laura, Knut, Anya, and Jessica. We would visit with them in Berkeley. We sat outside of the French Hotel, Saul's, and other cafes on Shattuck Ave. I remember all of the cafe aromas and delicious pastries. My Mom, Uncle Joel, and Aunt Heidi grew up in Berkeley, CA. My maternal Grandparents moved their family from Miami, Florida to Berkeley, CA in the 60's when my Mom was 13. They lived in Berkeley for 6 or 7 years before they relocated to Paris, France. My Grandparents chose to move to the Bay Area for their political activism and for the overall progressive hub that was the Bay Area in the 1960's. Shirley and Bernie Hutner were civil rights activists, peace activists, and anti-nuke activists. Thalia Broudy, one of their close friends who was and still is an activist is in her 80's and currently lives in Berkeley, CA. She is the Mother of Laura Grossman and Karen Stern. Bay Area family friends that are like family.
Contemplating my family history, the 60's were an exciting time for my Grandparents, Mom, Aunt, and Uncle to be in the Bay Area! The past two years, when I often walked to downtown Berkeley from my home on McGee Ave. I sometimes thought of my Grandparents and Mother walking on these same sidewalks. Here we all were in the same area, yet at a different time. I thought about what it would be like to travel back in time to the 1960's. What would I tell my Mom if I saw her in Berkeley? Would I stop her to say something? Like, I'm your cousin you haven't met. That's why we have a strong resemblance. I wondered if there was anything that I could say or do that would impact my Mom's life in a more positive way. I don't think there is anything that I could've said or done that would be helpful for my Mom to hear or that could improve her life in anyway. Thus, if I could travel back in time I would simply look at her and smile. Her life and how she lived unfolded from her actions, decisions, and free will. A word from a time traveler cannot take or add lessons that one acquires and gleans from lived experience. The only way is through. To continue onward on one's life journey.
I always felt a strong affinity and connection to the Bay Area. I loved visiting when I was a child and teenager. I often wondered why we didn't live there. I loved the food, the culture, artistic opportunities, the gardens, and our family and friends there. Berkeley in particular felt like home to me.
The Bay Area was like a beacon of light to me. It was the city of my dreams. The place where I always wanted to live since I was a child. It was a dream come true when I had a purpose and it was my time to move there. It was 27 years until it was my time to live in the Bay Area. I was immensely excited for my chance to move to the Bay. My Mom said that it was a battle to get to the Bay Area and a battle to stay. I have found truth in that. For all of my excitement and enthusiasm, the reality of living in San Francisco was tough to say the least. It was the most urban and biggest City where I have ever lived. I went to college at UC Santa Cruz. I grew up in Clovis/Fresno. I lived in Portland, Oregon for almost 3 years before I moved to the Bay Area when I was 27 for graduate school at San Francisco State University.
Challenge after challenge after challenge came my way. I saw the worst in people in San Francisco. It was like witnessing the shadow side of humanity in a way that I had never seen before. The city was harsh and the people were harsher. Housing challenges, housemate imcompatibilities, and the hectic hustle bustle of every day life. Never really feeling settled and then having to look for new housing again and then again. Only to find a new place to live and have clarity a month later that my housemate was toxic and needing to move yet again.
I learned that housing isn't a right in San Francisco it is a privilege. I was almost in tears during the end of my first year of graduate school at SF State when I told the trans guys in a trans group that I went to that my housemate at the time was toxic and I needed to find a new place to live. I felt displaced and felt like I was on a continual search for resonant housing. One of the guys in my trans group mentioned that all of the Native Ohlone people have been displaced from this land. He expressed something to the effect that there was and is continual displacement from every group of people that have settled here since. As much as I loved the City; it's culture, art, beauty, radical politics, food, parks, urban planning, architecture, vibrant queer/trans community, it was an uphill battle getting through my first year living in San Francisco.
I'm not sure when during the past four years that I lived in the Bay Area that I finally developed a thick skin. I became hardened in a sense. I feel that I developed this as a queer/trans man and also being in the highly competitive field of film/media. I am tough and I can withstand living in the harsh environment of the city. Hardened so that I could withstand the critiques and feedback from professors and colleagues in my MFA Cinema graduate program. I have hardened so that I could survive and thrive in the dense and competitive environment that is the City. Also, my experiences of homophobia, transphobia, and queerphobia while living in the City have had an impact on me. Going through the ringer, again and again of feedback, critiques, and graduate school challenges as an artist was an initiation, indeed. To say the least.
I find that one must be tough and hardened in a sense to be a creative professional. Life is more challenging for me as a queer/trans man. I knew it was difficult at times, yet I've had long conversations with dear friends who are cisgender and straight in the last 6 months. Their lives are easier in a sense. Their lives are validated. For me as a trans man who is an artist, I aim to be kind yet I'm hardened. Hardened to be empowered and express that I do deserve to be here. Even if I'm the only one validating myself and my existence. I, as a beautiful queer/trans man who is an artist/filmmaker, can live my life and carve out a unique path that is my own to walk upon. Away from the mainstream. Just because I'm not on this mainstream path doesn't mean that I'm invaluable or do not deserve to be here. I exist and I'm making my time and energies here count. Even if I'm the only one validating myself. Thus, I have become hardened.
Once, before I found a parking spot, I saw a man carrying a bottle of wine in one hand and I watched as it slipped through his fingers and smashed in the middle of an intersection as he was walking halfway across the street. He just walked away, not bothering to pick up the pieces out of shame and embarrassment. While people nearby quickly picked up several large pieces of glass so that cars wouldn't run over them. I watched car accidents happen right before my eyes. I saw a man with blood and alcohol on himself passed out on the street in the Mission. I was yelled at by an upper class white woman in a grocery store parking lot for driving the wrong direction into the parking lot. I apologized, yet she rolled down her window and swore at me.
I came up with a phrase that I would often say when I worked at an upscale grocery store in Noe Valley. "People in the City." It's a good line that can be used for a lot of instances and experiences depending on one's tone.
I aimed to write about the light aspects and what I loved about the City, yet this blog has turned into more of an examination of my initiatory challenges and experiences in the City. In particularly during my first year living in San Francisco, expressing dark aspects, the shadow side of humanity. Through it all, I was meant to be there. I didn't know how for how long. Yet, I did my best to enjoy the moments of joy. Or simply all of the moments. I was as present as I could have been. For that I am proud. For all of my lessons, I am a richer man. For all of my experiences I can definitely say or exclaim, I have truly lived! Oh, the City. The Bay Area! My time there, all of my experiences, and the land itself. It's a part of me.
I do miss dancing amidst a sea of queer/trans folks at dance parties! I miss the energy, the excitement! Even if it is exhausting to live in since it's non-stop. The beautiful fog, the beautiful bay, the beautiful bridges! The chocolate crossiants from Tartine that I only indulged in on special occasions. Yummy pizza from the Cheese Board or Arizmendi. The feeling that anything is possible and that anything can happen in the City. The fashion, the art, the film, how many concerts or shows are always happening. There are queer/trans things to do everyday. The gayborhood. East Bay queers, faggy trans guys, feminine trans boys, radical politics, the Berkeley rose garden. The farmer's markets, bike rides, the OCEAN. The SEA. The BAY AREA. The Berkeley marina. Highway one. Tide pools. Living in a queer centric area. These are some qualities and experiences that I miss and that aren't in Albuquerque.
Dear, Bay Area. I will visit you at a resonant time! I'm not sure when. I blow you a kiss all the way from the High Desert of New Mexico! I am meant to be here now in Albuquerque. I look forward to embracing you when I visit next. You are in my heart and soul. We will meet in the present. I love you and I always will. You are the City of my dreams. A soul mate City in a sense. Although our relationship has come to an end, I think of you everyday. The relationship ends, yet my love for you still goes on. All of the things that I miss that I wrote above, I will experience when I visit you next. At some unknown time. Good night my love. Good night, Bay Area. I love you,
Ewan
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
The beginning of my adventures in New Mexico
The most difficult part about writing for me is simply beginning. Well, it doesn't have to be difficult it is just carving out some space and time to write and then actually doing it. I've been thinking about writing a blog about the cultural and climate comparisons and differences between the SF Bay Area and Albuquerque. I've written several lists in my journals already for myself. I've had more than a few conversations with established friends in the Bay Area and elsewhere about some of the culture shock that I've been experiencing in the Southwest. It is a gradual acclimation. That is for sure. I am acclimating. Slowly. I am grateful and glad to be here. I am exactly where I need to be. It's exciting and exhausting to begin a new chapter, a new epoch, and for me to experience new-ness in every realm of my life. A new state, new city, new home, new job, new freelance business that I've recently launched, new to me furniture, new website that I created, new friends, new queer/trans community, etc. Newness in all of its many facets, forms, and experiences. Wow! It's exciting and also tiring at moments too.
My intention with this specific blog post is to share my musings and thoughts about my subjective experiences in the Southwest and the contrasts as well as comparisons with the Bay Area. Also, so I can simply refer friends and family to the kinds of experiences that comprise the feeling of "culture shock." I personally feel that the Southwest is a different world. Or a different dimension than the Bay Area or California. It's fascinating. The Southwest is part of the United States, yet it feels like a different country! It was a different country before 1848! In fact, this land was Mexico! In 1848 the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo was signed which meant that California, Nevada, and the entire Southwest came under the ownership of the United States! Just a little over a hundred years ago, New Mexico became a state in 1912!
New Mexico is the amalgamation of the Spanish colonists, anglo settlers, Mexicans, and Native Americans. I work part time at a new cafe in Old Town, Albuquerque. Whenever I go to work, I walk by signs, museums, and a park with many different historical markings and remembrances of the past. There is a historical sign with names of the Spanish colonists that founded Albuquerque over 300 years ago! Old Town, Albuquerque is the oldest neighborhood in Albuquerque. The oldest church in Albuquerque is in Old Town. It's a fascinating area and it feels a bit like I've stepped back in time depending on the area where I am in Old Town. I really like the architecture of Old Town and the feel of the area.
The landscape in New Mexico is vast. It is incredibly beautiful and powerful. Every sunset or sunrise I see, the word incredible escapes my lips. I speak it out loud. This is big sky country. All of the people that I've met thus far are as open as the vast landscape. This is in comparison to most people I met in the Bay Area. A lot of the people that I've met in Albuquerque and Santa Fe are genuine, open, warm, inclusive, and super friendly. There is a nice small town atmosphere in Albuquerque. When I was in the Bay Area, I felt that a lot of people had fronts and were closed off. It took quite a while to get to know people and to cultivate a close, emotionally intimate friendship was rare. A heart-felt and genuine soul connection was also rare to find in the Bay Area. I know a lot of people in the Bay Area. I love my Bay Area friends and community. I appreciate and love the Bay Area. Yet, I feel that the Bay Area and a lot of the people that I met there were harsh. There was an expression that I would think to myself when I experienced a challenge living in the City. "As harsh as the city." It's also a super competitive area, materialism is rampant, it's a stressful place to live (you know 1 hour commutes), densely populated, expensive, hustle-bustle, and an overall challenging place for me to live as an artist and emerging creative professional with an avid Earth based spiritual practice.
In Albuquerque, I can work part time at a cafe and utilize the rest of my time and energies to launch my still photography and video production business. If I was still living in the Bay Area, I would need to work full-time at least just to cover my rent and basic expenses. It would be very difficult for me to start a business and to get it rolling in the Bay rather than in Albuquerque. Plus, I can name five or more professional still photographers in the Bay Area that I know of. It's highly saturated with all of these bright shining stars. As my Father told me, "It's hard to be seen when you are in the midst of all of these bright shining stars." So, yes. The Bay Area is full of amazing, incredible, talented, and creative bright shining stars. It is hard to be seen in the midst of all that light!
I did have a calling to come to the Southwest. I love the desert landscape. I am enjoying living in a calmer and quieter area. I'm still adjusting to how quiet it is in my neighborhood and apartment. I can afford to live in my own spacious one bedroom apartment.
From what I have observed and gathered, most of my new friends in the queer/trans community either live on their own or with partners. It's interesting. I thought that there would be a housemate culture here like there is in the Bay Area. Most of my friends in the Bay live with housemates.
The weather. OMG. The weather. My goodness! I was braced for warm summers and heat in the high desert. What I was not aware of or expecting was snow! Thirty degree weather and below. An ice bottle freezing in my car. Having to scrap snow and ice off of my car before going to work. Driving in the snow on frozen streets when I was coming home from working long hours on a film shoot. Wow! My experience with the snow before moving to Albuquerque consisted of intentionally driving to the snow. To recreate, to frolic, to play in the snow. Then to leave when my visit with a snow covered natural location came to a conclusion. How magical it was to watch the snowflakes fall and blanket my front and back yard with a gentle layer of snow. So beautiful!
I am grateful to live in an apartment with heating that works!
Here are more short observations thus far. I will go into more detail when I write more blog posts.
*Most people that I've seen who ride vespas, scooters, motorcycles, and bikes DO NOT wear helmets!!! Is it illegal to not wear a helmet on a scooter or motorcycle in New Mexico? Probably not from what I've seen. Yet, I still need to google it.
*Red or green? This question one will be asked ALL the time at a taqueria or when enjoying New Mexican cuisine. This is in reference to chili. Green chili for days. There is even Red chili wine! Some of which I had during this past Thanksgiving.
*Crazy drivers. DUI's are an issue in New Mexico. Maybe it's due to the vastness of the landscape. I don't know. Many drivers do not use their turn signals as well. I've seen a handful of car accidents and more cars and trucks that had recently been in accidents than I have anywhere else that I've lived. Drive with awareness.
*The Land of Manana. Yes, the pace of life here is slower. This is in reference to people taking a very long time to get anything done. My philosophy is, "carpe diem in the land of manana!" I'm here to get stuff done yet at a sustainable pace.
*Fashion. Oh my! I was with my friend Jason at a restaurant several weeks ago. I commented to him about the fashion in Albuquerque. Regarding that I had seen a lot of people wearing 80's and 90's outfits. My new friends in Albuquerque have great fashion sense. Yet, comparing most outfits and fashion that I see everyday in Albuquerque to what I observed in the Bay Area. There is no comparison.
*Produce (or lack thereof). The produce is more expensive in Albuquerque. Most of the leafy greens that I love and purchase from the Coop in ABQ are from California! There are some yummy vegetables grown in Colorado as well. Thank the G-ddess that Lily's hummus from Portland is available here.
*The power of the landscape. The landscape is incredible! Through showing humility, vulnerability, and reverence to the landscape and elements here, I feel the land has accepted me. I've heard stories from locals here that if one is not meant to be in New Mexico, then New Mexico will spit you out. For example, your car tire will blow out. Or a series of events will happen that will definitely show you that you are not meant to be in New Mexico.
*The land of entrapment. Apparently, if New Mexico accepts you, it is hard to leave. A new friend told me a story in reference to this. An example would be a person who is passing through Albuquerque who decides to stay here for a little while. 6 years later, the person is still in Albuquerque and wonders how they got here and is amazed at how long they've lived here.
*People have more time for interpersonal connections. Living in an area that is affordable and less stressful allows people to have more time to connect with friends and loved ones.
*Craigslist. My city and urban tools do not work in New Mexico. It's great that I have these tools, yet I'm acquiring different one's in the Land of Enchantment. For example, Craigslist isn't used like it is in the Bay Area. Most things happen here through word of mouth. i.e. housing, procuring furniture, meeting people, etc. Since there is a small town element here, word of mouth is the way to hear about jobs and other opportunities. It is who you know. Craigslist is of little use for all of the above. Which I found very surprising.
*Country paced phone conversations. At least a handful of times, people who I've called up via craigslist or word of mouth who I intended to have a short, concise, several questions phone call with have turned into a 10 minute to 20 minute drawn out conversation. People who I haven't met have started talking to me like I'm their friend or neighbor. This is in stark contrast to the Bay Area where most phone calls regarding housing, jobs, furniture, etc. would be short and succinct.
*Commuting. What commute? There is hardly any traffic. There are no bridge tolls. I have an extra two hours in my day to be creative and live!
*Friends help friends. I was super surprised and in awe when two new friends in the queer community, who I helped move, had 8-10 friends show up to help them load and unload all of their belongings to their new home in Albuquerque! This happened on a week day! Wow! I have never seen so many friends show up for friends in this way. I am very impressed with the strength of the queer community here.
*Neon lights. There are a lot of neon lights and Route 66 signs in the Nob Hill neighborhood in Albuquerque. Neon lights are in style here!
*More chili! Earlier this week, I enjoyed delicious chicken enchiladas with green chili sauce. Yum! I was super hungry and it was super delicious. I didn't realize how spicy the green chili was until I was halfway through with my plate of yummy food. The waitress came by to ask how the food was. I said, "It was great!" Yet, there were tears in my eyes from the green chili. She said that, "the chili will help keep me warm." I nodded as the tears streamed down my eyes.
That's all for now! Thanks for reading about the beginning of my adventures and explorations in New Mexico! More cross cultural comparisons will be examined and expressed in upcoming blog posts!
If you feel inspired to comment, then do so.
In light,
Ewan
My intention with this specific blog post is to share my musings and thoughts about my subjective experiences in the Southwest and the contrasts as well as comparisons with the Bay Area. Also, so I can simply refer friends and family to the kinds of experiences that comprise the feeling of "culture shock." I personally feel that the Southwest is a different world. Or a different dimension than the Bay Area or California. It's fascinating. The Southwest is part of the United States, yet it feels like a different country! It was a different country before 1848! In fact, this land was Mexico! In 1848 the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo was signed which meant that California, Nevada, and the entire Southwest came under the ownership of the United States! Just a little over a hundred years ago, New Mexico became a state in 1912!
New Mexico is the amalgamation of the Spanish colonists, anglo settlers, Mexicans, and Native Americans. I work part time at a new cafe in Old Town, Albuquerque. Whenever I go to work, I walk by signs, museums, and a park with many different historical markings and remembrances of the past. There is a historical sign with names of the Spanish colonists that founded Albuquerque over 300 years ago! Old Town, Albuquerque is the oldest neighborhood in Albuquerque. The oldest church in Albuquerque is in Old Town. It's a fascinating area and it feels a bit like I've stepped back in time depending on the area where I am in Old Town. I really like the architecture of Old Town and the feel of the area.
The landscape in New Mexico is vast. It is incredibly beautiful and powerful. Every sunset or sunrise I see, the word incredible escapes my lips. I speak it out loud. This is big sky country. All of the people that I've met thus far are as open as the vast landscape. This is in comparison to most people I met in the Bay Area. A lot of the people that I've met in Albuquerque and Santa Fe are genuine, open, warm, inclusive, and super friendly. There is a nice small town atmosphere in Albuquerque. When I was in the Bay Area, I felt that a lot of people had fronts and were closed off. It took quite a while to get to know people and to cultivate a close, emotionally intimate friendship was rare. A heart-felt and genuine soul connection was also rare to find in the Bay Area. I know a lot of people in the Bay Area. I love my Bay Area friends and community. I appreciate and love the Bay Area. Yet, I feel that the Bay Area and a lot of the people that I met there were harsh. There was an expression that I would think to myself when I experienced a challenge living in the City. "As harsh as the city." It's also a super competitive area, materialism is rampant, it's a stressful place to live (you know 1 hour commutes), densely populated, expensive, hustle-bustle, and an overall challenging place for me to live as an artist and emerging creative professional with an avid Earth based spiritual practice.
In Albuquerque, I can work part time at a cafe and utilize the rest of my time and energies to launch my still photography and video production business. If I was still living in the Bay Area, I would need to work full-time at least just to cover my rent and basic expenses. It would be very difficult for me to start a business and to get it rolling in the Bay rather than in Albuquerque. Plus, I can name five or more professional still photographers in the Bay Area that I know of. It's highly saturated with all of these bright shining stars. As my Father told me, "It's hard to be seen when you are in the midst of all of these bright shining stars." So, yes. The Bay Area is full of amazing, incredible, talented, and creative bright shining stars. It is hard to be seen in the midst of all that light!
I did have a calling to come to the Southwest. I love the desert landscape. I am enjoying living in a calmer and quieter area. I'm still adjusting to how quiet it is in my neighborhood and apartment. I can afford to live in my own spacious one bedroom apartment.
From what I have observed and gathered, most of my new friends in the queer/trans community either live on their own or with partners. It's interesting. I thought that there would be a housemate culture here like there is in the Bay Area. Most of my friends in the Bay live with housemates.
The weather. OMG. The weather. My goodness! I was braced for warm summers and heat in the high desert. What I was not aware of or expecting was snow! Thirty degree weather and below. An ice bottle freezing in my car. Having to scrap snow and ice off of my car before going to work. Driving in the snow on frozen streets when I was coming home from working long hours on a film shoot. Wow! My experience with the snow before moving to Albuquerque consisted of intentionally driving to the snow. To recreate, to frolic, to play in the snow. Then to leave when my visit with a snow covered natural location came to a conclusion. How magical it was to watch the snowflakes fall and blanket my front and back yard with a gentle layer of snow. So beautiful!
I am grateful to live in an apartment with heating that works!
Here are more short observations thus far. I will go into more detail when I write more blog posts.
*Most people that I've seen who ride vespas, scooters, motorcycles, and bikes DO NOT wear helmets!!! Is it illegal to not wear a helmet on a scooter or motorcycle in New Mexico? Probably not from what I've seen. Yet, I still need to google it.
*Red or green? This question one will be asked ALL the time at a taqueria or when enjoying New Mexican cuisine. This is in reference to chili. Green chili for days. There is even Red chili wine! Some of which I had during this past Thanksgiving.
*Crazy drivers. DUI's are an issue in New Mexico. Maybe it's due to the vastness of the landscape. I don't know. Many drivers do not use their turn signals as well. I've seen a handful of car accidents and more cars and trucks that had recently been in accidents than I have anywhere else that I've lived. Drive with awareness.
*The Land of Manana. Yes, the pace of life here is slower. This is in reference to people taking a very long time to get anything done. My philosophy is, "carpe diem in the land of manana!" I'm here to get stuff done yet at a sustainable pace.
*Fashion. Oh my! I was with my friend Jason at a restaurant several weeks ago. I commented to him about the fashion in Albuquerque. Regarding that I had seen a lot of people wearing 80's and 90's outfits. My new friends in Albuquerque have great fashion sense. Yet, comparing most outfits and fashion that I see everyday in Albuquerque to what I observed in the Bay Area. There is no comparison.
*Produce (or lack thereof). The produce is more expensive in Albuquerque. Most of the leafy greens that I love and purchase from the Coop in ABQ are from California! There are some yummy vegetables grown in Colorado as well. Thank the G-ddess that Lily's hummus from Portland is available here.
*The power of the landscape. The landscape is incredible! Through showing humility, vulnerability, and reverence to the landscape and elements here, I feel the land has accepted me. I've heard stories from locals here that if one is not meant to be in New Mexico, then New Mexico will spit you out. For example, your car tire will blow out. Or a series of events will happen that will definitely show you that you are not meant to be in New Mexico.
*The land of entrapment. Apparently, if New Mexico accepts you, it is hard to leave. A new friend told me a story in reference to this. An example would be a person who is passing through Albuquerque who decides to stay here for a little while. 6 years later, the person is still in Albuquerque and wonders how they got here and is amazed at how long they've lived here.
*People have more time for interpersonal connections. Living in an area that is affordable and less stressful allows people to have more time to connect with friends and loved ones.
*Craigslist. My city and urban tools do not work in New Mexico. It's great that I have these tools, yet I'm acquiring different one's in the Land of Enchantment. For example, Craigslist isn't used like it is in the Bay Area. Most things happen here through word of mouth. i.e. housing, procuring furniture, meeting people, etc. Since there is a small town element here, word of mouth is the way to hear about jobs and other opportunities. It is who you know. Craigslist is of little use for all of the above. Which I found very surprising.
*Country paced phone conversations. At least a handful of times, people who I've called up via craigslist or word of mouth who I intended to have a short, concise, several questions phone call with have turned into a 10 minute to 20 minute drawn out conversation. People who I haven't met have started talking to me like I'm their friend or neighbor. This is in stark contrast to the Bay Area where most phone calls regarding housing, jobs, furniture, etc. would be short and succinct.
*Commuting. What commute? There is hardly any traffic. There are no bridge tolls. I have an extra two hours in my day to be creative and live!
*Friends help friends. I was super surprised and in awe when two new friends in the queer community, who I helped move, had 8-10 friends show up to help them load and unload all of their belongings to their new home in Albuquerque! This happened on a week day! Wow! I have never seen so many friends show up for friends in this way. I am very impressed with the strength of the queer community here.
*Neon lights. There are a lot of neon lights and Route 66 signs in the Nob Hill neighborhood in Albuquerque. Neon lights are in style here!
*More chili! Earlier this week, I enjoyed delicious chicken enchiladas with green chili sauce. Yum! I was super hungry and it was super delicious. I didn't realize how spicy the green chili was until I was halfway through with my plate of yummy food. The waitress came by to ask how the food was. I said, "It was great!" Yet, there were tears in my eyes from the green chili. She said that, "the chili will help keep me warm." I nodded as the tears streamed down my eyes.
That's all for now! Thanks for reading about the beginning of my adventures and explorations in New Mexico! More cross cultural comparisons will be examined and expressed in upcoming blog posts!
If you feel inspired to comment, then do so.
In light,
Ewan
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Forward Movement On My Journey
Once again many changes and a HUGE decision have happened in my life since my last blog post. I thought that I would have a chance to catch up on my blog posts in a way, since finishing graduate school. Yet, life isn't like that. Catching up and all. Life, change, and movement continues on its path. My blog posts can be non-linear. I'm sure that I will write about my thesis crunch time-period and other experiences I've recently had in years to come. My blogs do not have to be written in a liner time-line.
Oh, life! Big decisions, indeed! After much rumination, contemplation, inquiry, and meditation, I've made a HUGE decision, it's a BFD (Big Fucking Deal) to move to the Southwest in early October 2013!
Currently I'm packing, gleaning, and preparing for my departure! Woo! I've been feeling really tired the past couple of days. I've also begun a new documentary project about my late Grandma Shirley. The project is titled, JUST ASK SHIRLEY. I have a calling to hear different perspectives about my Grandma Shirley and to create a documentary about her. I have a yearning to know more about who she was. This past Thursday, I interviewed Thalia, a very dear friend of Shirley's. One of her best friends and a fellow activist. I also interviewed Karen and Laura who are good friends of the family. Thalia is their Mother. My Aunt Heidi was in town from New York and after much convincing, I got to do a short interview with Aunt Heidi. Aunt Heidi is a professor and has been working on a book about Shirley for the past 5 years. When the book is completed, I look forward to reading it and also interviewing Aunt Heidi in depth about Shirley's activism.
Shirley Hutner was Jewish, had leftist politics, was an activist in the Peace Movement, Anti-Nuke Movement, and Civil Rights Movement. She was an intellectual, world-traveler, Wife, and Mother.
I'm still processing and digesting the stories and experiences that I heard on Thursday. 4 interviews was a lot. I do look forward to the transcribing process when I'm in New Mexico. More will be gleaned and understood when I listen to the interviews and transcribe.
There are more family members that I will be interviewing next week. Reed, formerly known as Uncle Joel will hopefully be available to follow through with his interview on Monday. I will also be interviewing my cousin Elle next week as well. She was very close to Shirley my Mom said.
Aunt Heidi said in her interview that Shirley wore brown like a lot of people wear black today. One of the questions that I had for the interviewees pertained to her favorite color(s).
The short answer to my upcoming relocation to the Southwest is that I have a calling to go there. The landscape is amazing and I really resonate with it. I love the desert. There is a slower pace of life, employment opportunities in my field of film/media, and queer/trans communities. I've been doing my research. I do look forward to this momentous new chapter. Yet, I'm also experiencing the gradual closure and shift of completion of my time in the Bay Area. Many feelings have arose and I've been really surprised with the outpouring of love and sadness from my friends and community.
I've realized that I'm an important person in my community in the Bay Area. I do intend to continue to stay connected with my friends and community here. It's not a goodbye, it's more of a farewell. I've received so many reactions from friends, family, and community in regards to my decision that I was not expecting.
I did make the right decision and I do look forward to a new chapter in the SW. Yet, I will miss the Bay Area. I do look forward to visiting and having more time for art/cultural opportunities and connecting with friends when I visit.
Movement is life and the packing, gleaning, and preparation for departure are in motion. There is so much to do! Yet, everyday I have more clarity of the next step on my journey.
Onward and upward. Cheers to forward movement in my life and the next adventure!
Thank you for reading.
Ewan
Oh, life! Big decisions, indeed! After much rumination, contemplation, inquiry, and meditation, I've made a HUGE decision, it's a BFD (Big Fucking Deal) to move to the Southwest in early October 2013!
Currently I'm packing, gleaning, and preparing for my departure! Woo! I've been feeling really tired the past couple of days. I've also begun a new documentary project about my late Grandma Shirley. The project is titled, JUST ASK SHIRLEY. I have a calling to hear different perspectives about my Grandma Shirley and to create a documentary about her. I have a yearning to know more about who she was. This past Thursday, I interviewed Thalia, a very dear friend of Shirley's. One of her best friends and a fellow activist. I also interviewed Karen and Laura who are good friends of the family. Thalia is their Mother. My Aunt Heidi was in town from New York and after much convincing, I got to do a short interview with Aunt Heidi. Aunt Heidi is a professor and has been working on a book about Shirley for the past 5 years. When the book is completed, I look forward to reading it and also interviewing Aunt Heidi in depth about Shirley's activism.
Shirley Hutner was Jewish, had leftist politics, was an activist in the Peace Movement, Anti-Nuke Movement, and Civil Rights Movement. She was an intellectual, world-traveler, Wife, and Mother.
I'm still processing and digesting the stories and experiences that I heard on Thursday. 4 interviews was a lot. I do look forward to the transcribing process when I'm in New Mexico. More will be gleaned and understood when I listen to the interviews and transcribe.
There are more family members that I will be interviewing next week. Reed, formerly known as Uncle Joel will hopefully be available to follow through with his interview on Monday. I will also be interviewing my cousin Elle next week as well. She was very close to Shirley my Mom said.
Aunt Heidi said in her interview that Shirley wore brown like a lot of people wear black today. One of the questions that I had for the interviewees pertained to her favorite color(s).
The short answer to my upcoming relocation to the Southwest is that I have a calling to go there. The landscape is amazing and I really resonate with it. I love the desert. There is a slower pace of life, employment opportunities in my field of film/media, and queer/trans communities. I've been doing my research. I do look forward to this momentous new chapter. Yet, I'm also experiencing the gradual closure and shift of completion of my time in the Bay Area. Many feelings have arose and I've been really surprised with the outpouring of love and sadness from my friends and community.
I've realized that I'm an important person in my community in the Bay Area. I do intend to continue to stay connected with my friends and community here. It's not a goodbye, it's more of a farewell. I've received so many reactions from friends, family, and community in regards to my decision that I was not expecting.
I did make the right decision and I do look forward to a new chapter in the SW. Yet, I will miss the Bay Area. I do look forward to visiting and having more time for art/cultural opportunities and connecting with friends when I visit.
Movement is life and the packing, gleaning, and preparation for departure are in motion. There is so much to do! Yet, everyday I have more clarity of the next step on my journey.
Onward and upward. Cheers to forward movement in my life and the next adventure!
Thank you for reading.
Ewan
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
The sounds of stillness
Hello, All.
Wow! So much has happened since I last blogged. I was looking through the archive of my past blog posts and the last blog that I wrote was in late March after my birthday. It's rather synchronous that I went hiking yesterday on a wonderful and lovely trail at Redwood Regional Park in the East Bay. It was the same trail that I hiked on during my birthday hike with friends. Yesterday was only the second time that I have hiked on that trail. It was a much needed hike for me. I have been really craving peace and stillness. I can and do create this peace and stillness within myself when I'm meditating, practicing yoga, gardening, or sitting near my plants in my backyard garden. That stillness is so important for me. External stillness and peace is a core need of mine. I do love the Bay Area, yet I do feel that I need to be very intentional about carving and co-creating a time and space to be in nature to receive the external peace and stillness that I need.
It was really amazing yesterday to be on a trail amongst the Redwoods. The second or third generation of Redwoods. All of the forest in a 5 mile radius where once old growth Redwoods had thrived for thousands of years were all clear-cut in the 1840-60's. I stopped by a gigantic stump of an old growth Redwood along the stream trail. I put my hand on the stump and thought about what an amazingly beautiful tree it must have been. Redwoods are one of my favorite trees. While I do enjoy hiking and being amidst them to rejuvenate myself, I do feel a tinge of sadness and also a bit of anger that most of the old growth Redwoods have been logged. The anger sometimes rises up when I'm driving and in front of my car is a truck with Redwoods on the flatbed of the truck. Mostly it just makes me sad.
I thought about this as I walked along the stream trail before hiking up onto the french/mill trail that wound up into the forest. I walked with ease and intentionally. Enjoying the fresh air, the ferns, the second or third generation Redwoods. Imagining and envisioning the history of the landscape itself. I thought about the contemporary artist, Andy Goldsworthy and his relationship to landscape and the elements; Earth, Air, Fire, and Water in his work. I re-watched the beautiful and wonderful documentary, RIVERS AND TIDES a couple of months ago. I first watched this documentary when I was a student at UC Santa Cruz, focusing on my undergraduate education. I haven't seen the entire documentary in years. A chapter or two was shown in one of my experimental documentary classes taught by the fabulous professor, Greta Snider at SF State. One lesson that I got from watching RIVERS AND TIDES recently was that Andy Goldsworthy really looks, feels, and attunes to the landscape where he works. He reflected on the layers of history; the people and live-stock that have shaped the land. This is especially true of his work in his Native Scotland. He said that the sheep have had just as much of an impact as people have had on the landscape. That you can't just see the landscape without thinking about the relationship of the sheep to the land. As well as people and sheep to the landscape. He created a sculpture of sheep wool wound around a stone fence and other work. To reflect these relationships of humans, sheep, and landscape. I contemplated this. Since re-watching that documentary I've really been thinking more about the history of landscapes.
I stopped on the trail and I heard stillness. The slight breeze, some trees gently swaying, and mostly the stillness of the forest. This trail hardly had any people on it in comparison to one of my favorite trails at Joaquin Miller State Park in the Oakland hills that also has beautiful Redwood trees. I stopped to hear the stillness and I thought to myself; peace. External peace. Here I am in the forest and the only sounds I'm hearing are that of nature. I would like to live like this everyday and also retain connection to a queer/trans community and the art, cultural, and culinary highlights of living in an urban area. Peace. Stillness. Being-ness. How lovely. Ah, the fresh air. Then I heard a plane or two above me. I continued on the trail. Enjoying the ambiance of the forest and the healing elements of nature.
Thank you for reading.
Ewan
Wow! So much has happened since I last blogged. I was looking through the archive of my past blog posts and the last blog that I wrote was in late March after my birthday. It's rather synchronous that I went hiking yesterday on a wonderful and lovely trail at Redwood Regional Park in the East Bay. It was the same trail that I hiked on during my birthday hike with friends. Yesterday was only the second time that I have hiked on that trail. It was a much needed hike for me. I have been really craving peace and stillness. I can and do create this peace and stillness within myself when I'm meditating, practicing yoga, gardening, or sitting near my plants in my backyard garden. That stillness is so important for me. External stillness and peace is a core need of mine. I do love the Bay Area, yet I do feel that I need to be very intentional about carving and co-creating a time and space to be in nature to receive the external peace and stillness that I need.
It was really amazing yesterday to be on a trail amongst the Redwoods. The second or third generation of Redwoods. All of the forest in a 5 mile radius where once old growth Redwoods had thrived for thousands of years were all clear-cut in the 1840-60's. I stopped by a gigantic stump of an old growth Redwood along the stream trail. I put my hand on the stump and thought about what an amazingly beautiful tree it must have been. Redwoods are one of my favorite trees. While I do enjoy hiking and being amidst them to rejuvenate myself, I do feel a tinge of sadness and also a bit of anger that most of the old growth Redwoods have been logged. The anger sometimes rises up when I'm driving and in front of my car is a truck with Redwoods on the flatbed of the truck. Mostly it just makes me sad.
I thought about this as I walked along the stream trail before hiking up onto the french/mill trail that wound up into the forest. I walked with ease and intentionally. Enjoying the fresh air, the ferns, the second or third generation Redwoods. Imagining and envisioning the history of the landscape itself. I thought about the contemporary artist, Andy Goldsworthy and his relationship to landscape and the elements; Earth, Air, Fire, and Water in his work. I re-watched the beautiful and wonderful documentary, RIVERS AND TIDES a couple of months ago. I first watched this documentary when I was a student at UC Santa Cruz, focusing on my undergraduate education. I haven't seen the entire documentary in years. A chapter or two was shown in one of my experimental documentary classes taught by the fabulous professor, Greta Snider at SF State. One lesson that I got from watching RIVERS AND TIDES recently was that Andy Goldsworthy really looks, feels, and attunes to the landscape where he works. He reflected on the layers of history; the people and live-stock that have shaped the land. This is especially true of his work in his Native Scotland. He said that the sheep have had just as much of an impact as people have had on the landscape. That you can't just see the landscape without thinking about the relationship of the sheep to the land. As well as people and sheep to the landscape. He created a sculpture of sheep wool wound around a stone fence and other work. To reflect these relationships of humans, sheep, and landscape. I contemplated this. Since re-watching that documentary I've really been thinking more about the history of landscapes.
I stopped on the trail and I heard stillness. The slight breeze, some trees gently swaying, and mostly the stillness of the forest. This trail hardly had any people on it in comparison to one of my favorite trails at Joaquin Miller State Park in the Oakland hills that also has beautiful Redwood trees. I stopped to hear the stillness and I thought to myself; peace. External peace. Here I am in the forest and the only sounds I'm hearing are that of nature. I would like to live like this everyday and also retain connection to a queer/trans community and the art, cultural, and culinary highlights of living in an urban area. Peace. Stillness. Being-ness. How lovely. Ah, the fresh air. Then I heard a plane or two above me. I continued on the trail. Enjoying the ambiance of the forest and the healing elements of nature.
Thank you for reading.
Ewan
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