And so it goes......

I just spent over an hour writing out a lovely blog about my birthday weekend and all of my experiences. I saved it repeatedly and when I tried to include another picture, all of my writing was deleted somehow. How disappointing! It was a long and detailed blog about my parents visit, hiking with friends, delicious food, etc. This reminds me of the Buddhist monks who create the sand paintings and then when they are done, the entire sand mandala is destroyed! Brushed away. Thousands of colorful sand particles. Well, I suppose this post was for me and the Great Spirit to be in communication with. My goal is to blog more often to share my experiences and to write about my life. The waters have washed away what I've wrote and it is in a liminal space. Thus is life. Well, enjoy the pictures below. I took these pictures yesterday during my hike at Tilden park in the East Bay.

Ewan

A Joyous Spring season to all!

It is Friday, March 22nd. The Spring Equinox was yesterday. This is the time of equal light and dark. It is the beginning of Spring. What areas of your life are you birthing anew? Today I just composted four kale plants that I planted around this time last year. Kale is an annual plant and it was past its time of harvest. One of the kale plants had gone to seed and was flowering. The pots where the tomato plants grew last year have some weeds in them. The sticks are still in the soil that had once held and supported the flourishing greens. The white string is still tied around some of the sticks that supported the once thriving tomato plants.

There are two strawberry plants that are alive and flourishing. Also, Rosemary, Sage, and Thyme are growing in the garden. I'm still not sure yet if I will plant more kale and tomatoes. I need to discern. I've been immersed in the flow of working on my thesis film, CHANGE OVER TIME. I do love to garden, to put my hands in the Earth, to touch the soil, and tend to plants. This brings me into contact with the natural world, to connect, and to tend my little plot of Earth. I do enjoy writing as well. Here I am, tapping away at the keypad writing. This is the first blog post that I have written this month! That is how busy I have been!

Yes, I've been super busy and immersed working on my thesis film, CHANGE OVER TIME. The film is coming along and I'm focusing on the post-production right now. I feel grateful and proud of myself that the film is where it currently is in the creative process. The BENEFIT EVENT that I planned for over a month was a rollicking success! I did almost all of the planning/organizing for the EVENT and it took so much energy, time, and commitment on my part! I feel so grateful and appreciative to all of my friends and community for their support and love. I felt that during the BENEFIT EVENT it was successful simply by how I was feeling. Everyone was having fun, enjoying themselves, the performances were great, it was wonderful to connect with friends and community through art and film, I felt proud of myself and honored that the EVENT was flowing so well and that I had manifested this experience! It was a rite of passage for me as an artist/filmmaker. I feel that through this EVENT I was celebrating with my friends and community my commitment and marriage to my art form. A commitment to live a creative life, to continue to make films, to make art, and to contribute my art to community! This is one aspect of my soul's purpose. To creatively express myself.

I did not simply plan the EVENT to fundraise for CHANGE OVER TIME. That was one aspect. The other aspect was to connect and engage with community. I'm grateful that so many friends and folks in my community came out to support me and my film, CHANGE OVER TIME.
I've been working on CHANGE OVER TIME for almost two years. The journey to create this film has been full of ups, downs, and all kinds of experiences and feelings in between. I feel grateful and proud of the shape and form that the film is taking. I am currently focusing on the sound design. Thinking and contemplating ways to convey emotion through sound design for the different parts of the poem, in the film.

I've been in the flow of the rushing rapids of life for a while. I feel and know it's amazing how much work I've accomplished the past few months and during my entire four years of being in graduate school. For the next two days, I will have a pause and simply be. My parents are coming up tomorrow from Clovis/Fresno to visit me in honor of my birthday. This Sunday, March 24th is my birthday. I will be thirty wonderful! Time and age is interesting.

I am still young and inhabit a beautiful, healthy body. My elder self came to me. Old man Ewan told me to slow down. To stretch out the moments. To savor life. Time can be stretched out at moments. During the BENEFIT EVENT I aimed to be present and to enjoy every moment. There were some moments that I stretched out and really savored, like eating a delicious bite of food slowly and deliberately. I have been slowing down, yet actively working and very, very focused. It helps me to light a candle and to write my intentions on a piece of paper that I tape to a candle. Then I light the candle on my alter and this is one aid to support me in my work and with focusing on the task at hand. This has been helpful for me during this time of work, work, work, and being super focused so that I can graduate with my MFA in Cinema at the end of the Spring Semester.

I feel that I usually move slowly in life and that my natural pace in life gets usurped at times by the rushing pace of industrial society. I do my best to work, live, and be at my natural pace as much as possible. Through being, living, and working at my natural pace I do get everything that I need to do done in a sustainable pace/rhythm of time. I simply work intuitively and trust my body and core in regards to when I need to do what. This internal structure and rhythm works for me in regards to how I choose to co-create, sculpt, and build my life. Yes, my Elder Ewan self came to me and I listened to him. The body never lies, neither do the emotions. If I listen to my body and my emotions, I can readily hear the wisdom that is expressing itself. A wise person heeds the wisdom of their body and emotions.

Who knows what being 31 has in store for me? I envision a successfully created, finished film of CHANGE OVER TIME! I simply keep getting older in regards to temporal time. Yet, I feel ageless at moments. My essence is a timeless being of love and light. I am Ewan and I will be 31 this Sunday! Wow! Life simply keeps flowing. There is never a dull moment in life for those who are awake, aware, conscious, and on their paths of personal growth!

May we all enjoy the Springtime and be aware of the areas of our life to compost, to release and the areas of our lives to nourish, grow, and tend! So mote it be!

A joyous Spring season to all!

Light and gratitude,

Ewan

This moment is beautiful.

Wow! It's been a while since I wrote a blog post! My last post was during December 2012. January 2013 has been very, very busy for me! I finished one of my internships; as an assistant editor on Jenni Olson's current film, THE ROYAL ROAD. I've been working on a new internship with Frederick Marx transcribing audio from The Rites of Passage conference. I've been actively working on my thesis and in the flow of creative energy! It's been a surge of energies to work on my creative work. I'm grateful for the flow of energies and creativity. It was what I was waiting for. With the ebb eventually comes the flow. Many thanks to Jason Joseffer, a friend and colleague from UC Santa Cruz. Jason is a professional director of photography and camera operator in the SF Bay Area. Not only is he a wonderful, kind person he is an excellent DP and camera operator. We were in the same thesis video class to complete our undergraduate projects in college. Jason gave me a tutorial on how to use the Canon T3I DSLR so that I could do time-lapse cinematography on my own. I rented the T3I, lens, tripod, and tripod head for a week. I captured time-lapses all over the Bay Area. Today, I just screened the first rough cut of my thesis to the Advanced Editing class that I'm currently taking this semester. Greta Snider is teaching the class. I feel/know that CHANGE OVER TIME is continuing to be sculpted and to take its authentic shape and form. I feel proud and grateful with the forward momentum and growth of my project!

I feel grateful that I completed this first cut of CHANGE OVER TIME so that I could apply for the 2013 Pride Of The Ocean CineSLAM last Thursday. I went on the Pride Of The Ocean cruise during June 2011 with my buddy, Samuel Berliner. It was an all expenses paid cruise from NYC to Bermuda! SPIRAL TRANSITION, my first year graduate film was picked to screen as a part of the CineSLAM during The Pride Of The Ocean. All of the folks who participated or were a part of the program were LGBTQIA filmmakers. I received input and critiques from peers, filmmakers, professionals, programmers, etc. It was a great opportunity! I'll see if it's in the cards for me to go on the Pride Of The Ocean cruise this year from Seattle to Alaska!

Work, work, work is currently in the cards! Yet, I'm determined to continue to work and sculpt my thesis so that I can finish it by the end of Spring 2013 and graduate with my MFA in Cinema from SF State! I do want to honor the natural pace of my creative work. There are moments and times to gestate, to be slow, almost seemingly still. Yet, nothing is ever completely still. Movement is life! We are all spinning on this big, blue, ball called the Earth throughout the Infinite-verse!

I've been thinking about the person who I was when I began the MFA Cinema program during the Fall of 2009. I've been thinking about the person who I was when I began the program and first moved to the SF Bay Area 3 1/2 years ago. I stand face to face with my prior self. I'm looking at him, embracing him, and saying, oh, buddy you are in for quite a wild, wild ride! Wow! It will be so difficult at moments, so painful with so much human doubt, fears, and plethora of emotions. You will transform and be transformed again. I emerge from the fires of initiation, again and again with more certainty in myself, more confidence in myself as an artist as a creator. I know that part of my soul's purpose is to create, to express myself, to tell stories, to share my perspective, experiences, to be seen with clarity and compassion. To be heard with ears of love. Can one truly go forward without looking back? Embracing the temporal past self and selves? It's all one spiral of birth, death, and rebirth! Rebirth, indeed!

There are many unknowns for me when it comes to what I will do post-graduate school. Finishing graduate school will be a major ending. Completion. Death. Yet, there will be a re-birth of new experiences. I'm looking forward to this shift. I wonder where I will direct my energies when I complete what has turned into for me a 4 year program! Wow, indeed. I've worked so, very hard. I've come so far from where I've been. Graduate school is a chapter within the many chapters of my life. It was my dream, my vision, and I'm living it and I've lived it. I've learned so much about myself, interpersonal dynamics, and just like the thesis film, CHANGE OVER TIME, I, as an individual am being sculpted as an artist into an emerging film/media professional. It's rather exciting. I have dreams to make a movie about my Grandma Shirley. That will be a journey, indeed! To know one's roots, where one comes from, to honor the ancestral lineage, and ancestors is to be connected to one's self and one's history. It is also to learn about one's self. I honor my ancestors and I'm grateful for their support with my creative work and life. Blood pumping through my veins, I honor my physical/earth ancestral lineage.

I look forward to working on a feature when it is a resonant time in my life to create a trans romantic comedy. That will be a journey, as every film is a journey within a journey within a journey. Life's unknowns. For me, to be an artist means to continually step out into the unknown again and again....and, well again! With certainty and solidness of myself in my core. To be empowered and to know that I'm an important person and that what I have to say and do matters. Every action has a reaction. I can and am making a difference in this world through writing, my thesis film, making art, and simply living with awareness, sustainability, and consciousness. One step at a time, I continue on my path. Emerging, believing in myself more and my gifts, skills, and soul purpose that I'm here to share and express!

Thank you for reading!

Blessings,

Ewan

The light is returning. Part 1

Since the Winter Solstice on Friday, the light is returning in the Northern Hemisphere. We entered the depths of Winter gradually leading up to December 21st--The Winter Solstice and the longest night of the year. December 21st was also the end of the Mayan Calendar. It was an auspicious day and I was aware of the 9 day portal from 12.12.12 leading up to 12.21.12. For me personally, I've been on a conscious personal spiritual path since my early 20's. I have an Earth based practice, yet my spirituality can best be expressed in the image of a house. My Earth based practice is the foundation. Yet, there are many rooms in this house. One room honors my ancestors, lineage, and culture as a Jewish person, one room is a Pagan/Wicca room, another is a Quaker room, a Unitarian-Universalist room, a Buddhist room, Anthroposophical room, etc. I glean from different philosophies, ideas, books, articles, teachers, and paths that I resonate with and have studied. There is an expression, that many different paths lead to the top of the mountain. The spirit is infinite, eternal, continuous, expansive. Beyond definition and words. I cannot sum up my spirituality in a patch-work way. The spirit, my spirit is uncontained, undefined, infinite, and joyous. The house metaphor works well to express my feelings in a concrete, tangible way to readers such as yourself.

As a child and adolescent my parents, sister, and I went to the Unitarian-Universalist Church in Fresno for several years. I enjoyed the Sunday school classes, especially when my group met in a yurt for our lessons. I was exposed to the teachings of Gandhi and other lessons that I enjoyed learning. As a child, my Sister Isa and I had the opportunity to go to Camp Celo in North Carolina for several summers. Camp Celo is a Quaker camp in the Celo Community. On Sundays, we would walk through the beautiful, lush woods to a little wood cabin to attend the Friends Quaker Meeting. We all sat in silence and then eventually sang songs together. I had a choice at the age of 12 to either continue to go to the Unitarian Church youth group or to go to Temple Beth Israel's Sunday school class. I really enjoyed meeting in the yurt at the Unitarian Church, yet I decided to go to the Sunday School class at Temple Beth Israel to learn about Judaism and to connect to my Jewish roots and lineage. All of the other teenagers in the class at Temple Beth Israel had known each other since they were in Kindergarten or first grade. It took some time to warm up to my peers in the class, yet I enjoyed the lessons, especially classes with Margie Barks (Bless her heart). Margie was a wonderful teacher and I learned so much about Jewish history, stories, and culture from her. The teenage boys in the class gave her such a tough time though. I continued taking Sunday school classes at Temple Beth Israel until the end of 10th grade when I was in High School. I was involved in the youth group at Temple Beth Israel as well. During the summer when I was 16, I went on the L'dor V'dor NFTY (North American Federation of Temple Youth. It's the Reform Jewish teen national youth group. I'm grateful to my Mom for encouraging me to go to Israel and gifting me the opportunity to do so! Thanks Mom, you are wonderful!

The NFTY trip began in Prague, The Czech Republic. We were there for several days. I was with a group of Jewish teenagers from all over the country. I think there were around 30-40 of us. I didn't know anyone. I did fly with a few of the California teens to NYC before we flew to Prague. When I was 16, that was the first time that I had travelled internationally. Traveling to Prague was my first trip to Europe and I was excited. I remember really missing my dance classes though. When I was a teenager I danced 20 hours a week at the Dance Studio in Fresno. That was my main creative outlet and I was dedicated to it! I worked very hard in all of my dance classes and usually I was completely covered in sweat by the end of the evening. I studied Classical Ballet, Modern Dance, Jazz, and Tap. I was in excellent physical shape. Dance was my passion as a teenager. One of the adult guides/leaders asked me what was wrong on the bus in Prague. I said I missed my dance classes. Upon writing that and reflecting I think it's endearing how much I missed my dance schedule.

I did enjoy Prague. I was majorly jet-lagged, though. One of my highlights was seeing the Jewish Cemetary in Prague and going to a very old and beautiful Synagogue. It was a heavy trip. We travelled outside of Prague to visit the theresienstadt concentration camp. That was intense, to say the least. It had a huge impact on me as a teenager. I went through a period of several years from age 11-14 where most of what I read were books and stories about the Holocaust and WW2. We also visited a castle where I learned about defenestration. It means to throw someone or something out of a window. That term amused a lot of the teenagers in the group.

After leaving Prague, we flew to Istanbul, Turkey. The plan was originally to fly to Crete to take a boat to enact the Exodus. The intended arrival to Israel was by boat. Yet, we were told that the boat broke down and needed repairs. Thus, we all got on a plane not knowing where we were going until we landed in Istanbul, Turkey. I didn't have much of an opportunity to explore Istanbul. We did go to a few places and museums. I remember an underground palace and visiting several mosques. One of the highlights was traveling in a boat along the Bosphorus, also known as the Istanbul Strait. It borders Europe and Asia. As a teenager, I thought that it was amazing to boat on the waters of the Bosphorus bordering two continents. The views were amazing.

Israel was amazing! The land is so beautiful. I will save my experiences that I had when I was there for a month and a half for the next blog entry! Thank you for reading!

Holiday warmth and light!

Ewan

Bay Area rain storms and my most recent Clovis visit

Another rain storm is here. The rain continues to fall and I enjoy the sound of the water. I find it soothing. It feels like a Bay Area monsoon. During this past weekend I went to Tilden park to go on a muddy hike with a new friend. The loop trail that I usually hike on was obstructed by torrents of water! Usually, there is a gentle stream that I cross over before I hike up the hill to continue on the trail. There was no possible way that I was going to attempt to cross the torrent of fast moving muddy waters from the recent rain storms.

There is a second trail that I knew about at Tilden. It was a level, even keeled hike or more like a nature walk. Near the nature center there was a sign that said that a mountain lion was sighted earlier that day. The fresh air felt wonderful and I enjoyed stomping around on the muddy trail with my rain boots. I enjoyed hearing the sounds of the running water in streams that had become rivers.

Oh, life! So much has been happening and I've been busy, indeed. I've been acclimating back to my life in the Bay Area since my visit to Clovis for the Thanksgiving holiday. I was there for 6 days. Which, is the longest that I've been in Clovis since before I moved to the Bay Area, three and a half years ago. My sister Isa travelled up from La Jolla and I hadn't seen her in over two years. It was the first time since I was in high school that only my immediate family, my parents, sister, and I were all together for a holiday. That was really special. Isa is the mother of two children; Chloe and Lily. Isa's ex-husband had the girls this year for Thanksgiving. During past holidays Isa was with her husband, before that a boyfriend, her children were present, or other family members were invited over. It was very interesting indeed, how for Thanksgiving 2012, our paths aligned again so that the immediate Duarte family could be re-united. My intention was to be present and enjoy everyone's company during my Clovis visit.

Isa had not seen me since before I had begun testosterone. I aimed to be present, to go with the flow, enjoy food, and appreciate time with my family of origin. It wasn't the visit to bring up questions or a conversation about my trans themes and experiences. Most of the time, when I speak I feel inspired to do so. Themes and experiences arise when I feel called to express them. If I feel that the listener is ready to engage in a conversation of respect, reciprocity, and has the presence and energy to do so, I will express my experiences and how I feel. I wonder what her impression of me was? What is her process in regards to me right now? These are areas that I do not know. Those conversations did not happen at the most recent visit and that is okay. I feel that they will arise when Isa is ready to listen and is interested in a conversation of reciprocity, compassion, and understanding.

It is interesting. My process has been that usually, I intend to initiate healing conversations--to talk about prior experiences, conversations, and situations to heal them. Yet, for healing conversations, mutual understanding, and awareness to occur, I feel that both people have to be interested, willing, and present with each other to carve out the time for emotional depth and these conversations. From my experience, there needs to be mutual interest. This is the reason that during my prior visit, I intended to simply be, enjoy food, and enjoy everyone's company. Rather than the expectation to have these healing conversations occur. If and when these meaningful conversations of depth and healing arise my questions will be answered. My trans themes and experiences, especially the past two and a half years on testosterone were not even mentioned or a part of the conversation or interactions. The only question that I asked Isa was if she liked my ginger beard. She said that she did.

May I continue to focus upon what I appreciate about those who are in my life. May I continue to express my personal truth, experiences, thoughts, and feelings with compassion and love. May I have the courage to express constructive feedback when it is the time to do so. May all beings speak with compassion and love.

Rainy Days Are Conducive To The Creative Spirit

I have been enjoying the rain in the SF Bay Area. It is conducive for me, my creative work, and my current inward feeling of soul. Today I feel contemplative, like resting, writing, reading, or watching a movie. I would like to go on a hike off of highway 13 on a trail at Joaquin Miller State Park in the Oakland hills. It's one of my favorite hiking trails in the East Bay. I hike on a loop trail that takes me about 45 minutes to an hour to hike. There is a spot amidst the Redwood trees and rocks where I like to sit and simply be at the beginning of the hike. It is off of the trail and it's a comforting spot. One of my special natural areas that I go to regularly. A space/place like that is comforting and grounding for me. I enjoy being in areas that are familiar for me and also exploring and discovering new trails and natural areas. I like the consistency, safety, and comforting feeling--like a familiar kind of tea to enjoy when that is what I need. Yet, variety is the spice of life. I definitely enjoy new adventures and spontaneity. The dichotomy between comfort, what is known and consistent with newness, variety, the unknown, and adventures is what I intend to balance.

Balance in all aspects of my life is in continual motion. There is no possible way for me to grasp a tangible hold of it. It is moving, flowing, and this movement is life. My creative work, my thesis is moving along at an organic and sustainable pace. I am learning a lot about my creative process as an artist/filmmaker. It is a helpful reminder for me to trust in my creative process. How I work, live, and am in the world, is guided by my intuition and my inner knowing. Recently, clarity arose around my time-line for my thesis. It has its own time-line and I'm attending to the project and guiding it along. Currently, I'm working on the performance of the poem. I am utilizing the tools and skills that I learned in the Directing class that I took with Scott Boswell two years ago in the MFA program. Judith Weston's book has been helpful and useful to remind myself of active verbs when going over each line of the poem for Change Over Time. I'm working on figuring out how to perform this poem. Change Over Time is a process piece. The film is based on time--a year of my life. I intended to plough through my project so that I could finish it as soon as possible. Yet, my film is like a creative pregnancy and I feel pregnant with my creative work. This view and perspective of my creative work is in alignment with the organic and natural pace of the Earth, the seasons, and thus natural timing. From what I've experienced many creative time-lines and dead-lines are based on productivity and capitalistic modes of production. There is such an emphasis on product rather than process. Every creative person has their own style of working and structure. Through the thesis process, I've been discovering and clarifying mine.

I am interested in the creative process. There is so much to learn through this journey, during each phase and stage of the filmmaking process. Films for me, regardless of the length have their own time-line. Once a script is well developed and funding is in place, a narrative film can be sped through at a fast pace. A documentary, a personal film, animation, or experimental work may take longer. In reference to my thesis, I feel it does take longer. This is one reason that I feel it is helpful and useful for me to have short-term creative projects that I do regularly and a long-term project, such as Change Over Time that I continue to work on consistently. Short term projects for one being this blog, writing in my journal, drawing, cooking projects, gardening, etc. Any project that is creative, where I flex my creative muscles, and have a consistent practice is important. I feel that any short-term creative project or pursuit is beneficial and nurturing to long-term creative projects. For example, cooking a delicious and nourishing meal is creative, full of discovery, and is satisfying to me on many levels. For one, I have a connection and intimacy with my food and I'm nourishing my physical body. I enjoy the creative process of chopping up vegetables, experiencing the different colors, smells, tastes--all of those sense perceptions are wonderful and soothing to me.

I've been living with the question(s) before I began the MFA Cinema graduate program at S.F. State and continue to live with my questions. I'm at the cusp end of graduate school and on the bridge as an emerging professional. The questions of what areas of filmmaking to focus upon? Yes to, creative development, writing, directing, and producing. Yet, what technical skills to focus upon so that I can promote filmmaking skills that are marketable? A week ago, clarity arose for me during my appointment with my friend/facilitator Riza Baker. I have some clarity of areas to focus upon in regards to services that I can provide to filmmakers/creative professionals. What brought me to film/media overall, is that I am a storyteller and I love stories. That is the nucleus and core of my passion for filmmaking. My tools and skills of having a discerning eye and awareness of the overall vision, the big gestalt of a project are gifts that I have and can contribute to the overall story. Thus, I intend to focus and hone my tools and skills to gain experience as a story consultant. Also, I aim to be a creative coach for film/media makers and other creative professionals.

What excites me about the idea of being a story consultant and creative coach, is that I can contribute and express my creative and spiritual selves in both of those capacities.
Spiritual and personal growth skills such as compassionate communication, co-counseling, mirroring, meditation, intuitive guidance, etc. I feel excited and happy that I have this clarity. I do enjoy the collaborative process of filmmaking. I intend to also work and do other areas of film/media work such as editing, being an assistant director on projects, etc. for work. I also like the idea of working at a resonant film/media production company in the SF Bay Area. Working on documentaries and resonant narrative projects. These are my ideas that I'm mulling over and continuing to question/ponder on my journey.

These are my thoughts as I continue to carve my unique creative path, living in the SF Bay Area. I'm doing my best to be present, to take one step at a time, to trust in myself and the path that I am on. The only certainty I have is in the present moment. The only real known is what I have experienced, in the past. I'm continually stepping out into the unknown, exploring, being, experiencing as a creative being. Discovering and truly living. Feeling alive and proactive in my life. Balancing stepping forth into the unknown, with the comfort of the loop trail at Joaquin Miller State Park. Especially, the Redwood grove off of the trail. That familiar comfort, safety, and groundedness of that area is nourishing to me. That area is one of my sanctuaries in the Bay Area of familiarity and what is known. Like a familiar cup of tea, sometimes it is what I need during these times of accelerated and rapid change.

Thanks for reading,

Ewan

Life is for the living

I recently went on a short walk to look at the waning moon and to see Jupiter just above the moon. Jupiter is clearly visible tonight. My mom sent me an email today with an image of the moon and Jupiter. It's a bright planet in the night sky. I don't remember the last time that I gazed at Jupiter or if I've ever intentionally went on a walk to look at it. I am feeling the inward pull during the beginning of the darkest half of the year. This is a time of regeneration, renewal, and to recharge. A time to turn inward, the summertime of the soul, which is a line for this week in the Calendar of the Soul by Rudolph Steiner. Here is the whole verse for October 27th-November 2nd

Thinking's fruits spring ripened in the sun
That shines within the soul;
Into the certainty of self-awareness
All feeling now is changed.
And I can sense with joy the wakening
Of Autumn's spirit;
Winter will arouse in me
The summer of the soul.

-Rudolph Steiner

The verse was translated from German. Some of the translations in some of the verses sound awkward at times to me. Nonetheless, I like to recite the verses out loud with intentionality and presence.

I really like the last line, Winter will arouse in me, the summer of the soul. The Autumn/Winter time-the darkest half of the year is a time of soul richness for me. I intend to carve out time to be, contemplate, and to honor this natural inwardness. Yet, it is a balance for me living in the hustle, bustle of the SF Bay Area. There is always a lot to do! Yet, simply being intentional several evenings a week to carve out this time is possible. I intend to do my best to balance my work, rest, and play--to experience the soul richness of the season.

I've been thinking a lot about my ancestors. No surprise since the veil between the worlds is very thin right now. During Samhain and El Dia De Los Muertos, the Day Of The Dead it is a wonderful and auspicious time to re-connect in thought, feeling, memory, reading out loud to the dead, meditating, ritual--solo or in community (the Spiral Dance), through art, making altars, etc. This is the time of year to honor and to remember our beloved dead and ancestors.

I am a quarter German, a quarter Chicano (that is always a surprise to people), and half Eastern European Ashkenazi/Sephardic Jewish. My mother's side of the family is from Russian/Romania. Her parents were first generation Jewish-Americans and both were born in NYC. My grandma Shirley and Grandpa Bernie. From NYC, they moved to Miami Beach, Florida. My mother was born in Miami Beach. Aunt Heidi and Uncle Joel were born in Miami, Florida.

My Dad Mark is half German and half Chicano. His father, Ruben, my grandpa is Chicano. Nani, my Dad's mom is German-American. My great-grandpa Duarte, my Dad's grandpa fled Mexico during the Mexican Revolution and traveled to California. He settled in Fresno, CA. Thus, I'm the 4th generation from Fresno in the San Joaquin Valley.

I've been thinking and feeling a lot about my Grandparents, Bernie and Shirley. They both passed away when I was a child. My Grandpa Bernie passed away from Melanoma when I was 6 or 7 years old. My Grandpa Shirley passed away when I was 10. I remember my Mother grieving immensely during those years.

I remember going to the Sierras with my Mom, Dad, Uncle Joel, and I'm not sure if Aunt Heidi was there or not. We went to the Sierra mountains, East of Fresno to the foothills. We went on a hike and scattered Grandpa Bernie's and Grandma Shirley's ashes around a tree. I remember seeing a pensive photo of my Dad and I that my mom or another person took. It was a great picture and in a frame. My Dad with his hand on my shoulder. I had red hair down to my shoulders and a pink Lands End jacket on.

I remember when my Grandma Shirley died, Isa--my sister and I were allowed to accompany my parents this time to Miami Beach, Florida. When Grandpa Bernie died, Isa and stayed behind in Fresno. My grandparents were political activists and often were philanthropists to causes that they believed in. I remember being in my Grandma's house in Miami Beach. The doorbell rang and I answered the door. A sanguine and upbeat woman stood there smiling and asked if Shirley Hutner was there. I said, no, she was dead. The woman's face turned into a look of horror. She became emotional. My mother stepped in to explain that Shirley had recently passed away. I remember the house in Miami Beach. There was a mini-tropical storm that blew off a part of the roof. Uncle Joel went to get fresh carrot juice someplace close by and I accompanied him. Fragments of memories like scrap pieces of paper. I want to remember. I want to remember it all exactly as it happened from my perception, my awareness, from my life. It was at Shirley's remembrance ceremony, I spoke in front of everyone and said what I would miss most about my Grandma. I know that this is definitely on a VHS tape. I recently went to Clovis to visit my parents and I helped my Dad sort through boxes in the garage. We found a box of VHS tapes. I will definitely transfer this tape to DVD. I know that it will be illuminating for me to see.

During the Spiral Dance this past weekend, I thought about my Grandparents. During Samhain yesterday in my meditation, I communed with my grandparents. What I enjoy most about being human is being embodied. I enjoy cooking and eating delicious, nourishing, and yummy food. Food is love! I enjoy thoughtful, heart-felt conversation, all of my sense perceptions, colors, textures, landscapes, the Earth and all of the elements. I enjoy being alive and I am grateful for my life. Recently, I've been so aware and feeling so poignantly that it almost hurts how ephemeral life truly is. The loss and letting go of my childhood/adolescent maroon, Pearl Export Series drum-set! It was a dream come true! I played on it for years. I loved and still love that drum-set. Yet, in my life right now I do not have the space nor commitment to devote to this beautiful kit. Thus, I am letting it go. Releasing it, passing it on so that another drummer can enjoy it and appreciate it as much as I did. All of these little deaths or big deaths. All of the completions, endings, conclusions. It all just adds up in the chapters of my life.

The releasing, the letting go, the endings. The loss of friendships, romantic relationships--those that concluded on their own. Some were successful and lived their time-line and life-span. Others felt unfair or short lived in duration. We each have the day and the night. Letting go of dreams fulfilled, dreams lived. A cabin at Huntington Lake, a drum-set, the lives of my ancestors, my Grandparents, my childhood, teenage years, early twenties, and entire twenties, the completion of chapters of my life. Letting go of Rachel and integrating her, letting go of Pre-T Ewan and integrating him, becoming who I am now. Wearing different clothes and shedding them like snake skins throughout the years. Always learning and growing older in temporal time. Simply being. All that I truly have is the present moment. Is this moment. As I go through books and make piles of what to keep and what to give away, it is difficult for me. This attachment, these attachments. Yet, all of us will ultimately need to let go of our bodies, of our lives. To surrender when it is our time to go. Thus, giving back to the Earth so much of what she has provided for us as living beings.

Life-Death-Re-birth. The circle, the cycle, the seasons, the day shifting into night, it continues. What a process. Life. I feel so blessed, so grateful for electricity, for heat, for clean water, for food, for a stable housing situation, to be on my path, for work, for the area that I live in. So many people on the East Coast do not have these necessities right now. My prayers and intentions and thoughts go out to them. Friends, family, humanity. May all beings have their basic needs met, receive the holistic support that they need, survive and thrive.

I do miss my grandparents. If I had a time-machine or if they could be embodied in their physical form I would love to have a delicious meal with them, a wonderful conversation, to take a walk in a beautiful natural area, or to go to an art/music/cultural event with them. I'm grateful for my bones. My bones remind me of my ancestors, my family tree, my connection to the Earth. To know one's roots is to know parts of oneself. I intend to begin to do research on the life of my Grandma Shirley. I feel called to make a movie about her. I feel that it will be an enriching process of discovery for me to interview her friends who are still alive and family members about her life and who she was.

Thank you for reading,

Ewan