Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Wheels Of Change

When I awoke today it was overcast and grey in the East Bay. Now, the sky is clear and the sun is shining. I don't mind the grey and overcast weather at times. It's a nice shift from lovely summer weather. It also makes me appreciate when the sky is clear and the radiant rays of the sunlight are available to enjoy. My tomato plants in the garden are soaking up the sunlight. Yellow flowers and buds of new green fruit are sprouting on the green stalks. I often times gaze at the three tomato plants in pots that are flourishing and growing so well when I eat my breakfast or dinner outside, enjoying the summer rays of light. After one year of living in Portland, I began to crave the forces of the sunlight. I had one of those ott lights that my mom gave me as a Hannukah present to prevent seasonal affective disorder. I would sit under the ott light on my couch as I wrote in my journal, read, worked on my computer, or decompressed from the day. The ott light wasn't enough. I could feel it. I felt called to be back in California and one reason was the sunlight. The forces of the sun. I enjoy feeling my feet on the earth, the grass or dirt outside, wearing my brimmed hat, enjoying tea, a meal, or simply being outside as much as I can during these summer days in the East Bay. I feel grateful for the house that I live in, the spacious backyard, and the little plot of Earth that I tend to with water, love, and presence. This past Friday the 13th was my two year anniversary of being on testosterone. It was also my two year anniversary of being a man. I lived as Ewan and was out as a trans guy for two years before I began testosterone. During that time, I was a trans boy. Did I go through an initiation to become a man? Most definitely. I went through so much and was tested by the universe many, many times so that I could walk through the initiatory fire and become a man. To me, being a man means to be responsible in so many ways. Responsible for my actions, words, and behavior. I intend to embody and express positive, balanced masculinity in this world. To integrate my feminine and masculine energies and to simply be who I am. Simply being who I am in the world has ripples of unseen and perceived impact. Like the rings of concentric circles that ripple in water after skipping a flat stone in a river, lake, or gentle creek. As a trans man I have the opportunity to self-create and self-construct my own personal, empowered, embodied masculinity. It's my path and also a huge responsibility. While working on my thesis film, CHANGE OVER TIME for the past two years, I've been living with the question, what does it mean for me to be a man? I could write one page every day for the rest of my life, musing and contemplating that question and there would be move to explore, delve into, examine, experience, and to write about. It is unending--infinite inquiry. I choose to be an aware man, a man that honors the divine feminine and masculine. As a man, I choose to integrate those energies within myself. A man who is a trans feminist. A man who can express his emotions and request from those closest to him to be heard, seen, mirrored, supported, and emotionally held in love and support. What space is there for a man to fall apart emotionally in this culture? When can a man break down and be seen as having strength in vulnerability? In these ways, how can our society and culture change and evolve? In honor of my two years on testosterone, I planned a solo two night camping trip. Just as I had packed up the car with most of my camping accoutrement and supplies, I noticed a nail in my left rear tire. I had a flat tire before in Portland. I know how to pick up my phone and call Triple A if any car issues arise, yet I didn't know how to change a car tire. The tire looked fine, was inflated, yet I didn't want to drive anywhere with a nail in it. I talked to my housemate, called my dad, called the california state park to cancel my first night camping reservation and was put on hold for an hour, called the tire place a few times, etc. It was a frustrating afternoon. I was present with my frustration yet decided to take my car to the tire place in Walnut Creek on Saturday. At that point, it was Friday evening and I decided to go with my housemates to the Circus Bella performance in Oakland that my friend Wendy and her boyfriend Nick perform in. The circus was great! There were probably over one hundred babies and/or toddlers at the circus. It was baby land and reminded me of my Waldorf days in Portland when I worked at a Waldorf school and was around many children and families. There were so many cute babies and attractive parents. One highlight from the circus performance was a man who stood on a ladder on a tight-rope. It reminded me of the amazing documentary, Man On Wire. I asked my friend/housemate Shannon to teach me how to change the tire on my car. How synchronous that on the date of my two year anniversary of being a man and being on testosterone, I finally learned how to change a car tire! To me this is a symbol of masculinity in our society. Self-reliance as a man and knowing how to deal with cars. My buddy Sam and I both learned how to change the tire. It was more intimidating than difficult. Before learning this lesson, I didn't have an active interest in learning this skill. I feel grateful to Shannon for teaching me. The camping trip will be re-scheduled yet the universe had a lesson to teach me and now I feel empowered as a man in this way to change my car tires.

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